My gratitude to Hades..

by with 3 Comments Astrology and meInner lifeTrip

I’m back to London feeling tremendously happy and grateful.

Not because I’m in London but because I’ve had a magical time at the festival.

I can hardly believe how amazing I am feeling during this third hit from transiting Pluto to my Moon.

(Thank you to some of you that contacted me saying that now it would not be as painful, I think you are right, having experienced 2 hits previously does make a big difference I guess!)

I’ve met so many good people and felt so much at home over there.

I also (surprisingly) did a talk on astrology during the festival that went well and made me feel alive. The opportunity served as a confirmation of my decisions as well.

The more I become myself, the more I’m on the right path and able to listen to my true call.

It was beautiful!

On top of that I got a message from my friend who is opening a cafe in Bristol confirming that it is happening in about a month and that he wants me to be the manager.

I’m soon moving to the city I wanted to live in for a while and will be able to rebuild myself financially while helping someone that I really like. Someone that values myself for who I am and appreciates my work.

Amazing.

And then, towards the end of the festival, I’ve met someone new.

It was magical.

It felt so good to hang out with someone older and more emotionally mature. Someone that seems to be committed to self growth and spirituality as much as I am.

It was beautiful.

We went to Bristol together for a few days (that’s where he is from!!!) And I had a truly beautiful time.

For some reason I had totally forgotten how it is when someone really values you and your company.

He made a point in reminding me.

With previous lessons on my natal Venus square Neptune, I am keeping my feet on the ground this time.

Never mind the future.

At the start of my third Pluto/Moon experience I’m just gratefully contemplating what seems to have happened as a big leap.

A leap of consciousness being reflected by outer reality..

 

Pre Pluto-Moon destruction..

by with One Comment Astrology and meInner lifeSearch for home

I was thinking about writing a post with more focus on astrological stuff but at the moment I just can’t.

I’m feeling a massive rush of strange emotions that are preventing me from sending energy into my rational faculties..

(I can’t or perhaps I just don’t want to be too analytical now.)

Five minutes ago I was taking a look at my 2016 ephemeris and with agony seeing (again) that Pluto will shortly be squaring my natal moon to the exact degree for the 3rd time. Feeling anxious to see (not that I haven’t seeing it before) that Pluto will be in the same degree of my Moon for the next 6 months.

In general I do tend to be a positive type of person, always seeing pain as the side effect of growth. (just like Donna Cunningham beautifully explains on her book “Healing Pluto problems”)

But fucking hell, during the last two exact hits from transiting Pluto I had to deal with so much pain and emotional detox that I felt more than overwhelmed by it.

At the moment I don’t feel it yet (pain), but the wave of anxiety is enormous.

Restlessness and discomfort.

I remember when I watched the film “Dancer in the Dark” with Bjork. The death row scene really hit me.

That was a long time ago, I was still quite young, but I remember to think of how terrifying it probably is to know that you’re walking towards death. My palms were sweaty and I felt terribly anxious every time I watched. (I saw the movie couple of times)

This is probably the best way I can use to describe my feelings at this pre Pluto-Moon moment.

I know I’m walking towards death..

Discomfort in my stomach, sweaty palms.. and the honest knowing that there is no way it is not going to be painful.

One more time that mess of guts and blood all over the place, and me on the floor, painfully turned inside out..

Astrologicality..

by with One Comment Astrology and meInner lifeTrip

I’ve been gardening a lot in the last few days and having insights.

So much seems to have happened inside me during the month of June. The whole mutable grand cross and Mars retrograde as well reflecting some kind of inner turmoil.

The funny thing that got me thinking is the fact that since Mars stationed and went direct a few people got in touch with me requesting some astrological work.

During the last two months, while Mars was retrograde, I did worry quite a bit about having to make a decision regarding how I’m gonna be making my income. I also had many moments thinking that perhaps I would have to borrow money from someone else for the first time.

Self doubt.

This whole thing made me think about my approach to astrology.

If I was writing a forecast to someone else I would have noticed the retrograde Mars more clearly, especially if it was natally the ruler of the 6th house and Ascendant, and speak about the need to rethink actions or strategies.

Why did I forget that myself?!

One thing that somehow disturbs me is how, many times, (we) astrologers try too hard to fit the symbolism into reality.

Is the other way around of what it should be in my view.

The capacity to interpret and understand symbols should enhance our ability to make choices. It should be used to deepen our understanding of life and other people, it should somehow add complexity and not be used to oversimplify and to put people in boxes.

One of the greatest risks with the astrology of disempowerment is using it to justify some kind of behaviour or circumstance without having to take much responsibility for it.

“I’m like this because of my Mars conjunction Pluto” “I can’t do this because I’m too fiery” “I do that because I lack fire” and so on.

Is also a little like going back to the medieval mentality of praying to a “father figure” God that will punish or reward you depending on your behaviour.

Is not being able to be responsible and thoughtful about your actions and life situation.

Blame on the planets. “This is happening because Saturn is on my Ascendant”…

In my view is becoming clearer that the astrological position of the planets are reflecting your inner life.

There is no out there causing you something. We are one and the same. Perhaps we are still the result of an explosion expanding together.

It’s a dance.

I think that by trying to avoid the more passive kind of astrological interpretation I end up sometimes ignoring things like the retrograde Mars on my Ascendant.

I really feel that I need to find a good balance here..

Chironic pain

by with 2 Comments Astrology and meInner lifeTrip

I’ve had a sound day today.

A few chats about astrology and couple of people asking me for readings. It seems like Mars going back to forward motion is about to reflect me getting a bit busier with my work. (Mars rules my ascendant and 6th house)

I took a walk in the rain on my way back to where I’m staying.

That felt liberating.

Such a familiar feeling when I’m on the road. Strong sense of belonging. Lightness in my heart as I move forward.

Freedom.

Then, when I got “home” had the room for myself and the chance to catch up with sad feelings.

Feeling rejected always brings the old pain back.

And that’s when I realise that transiting chiron has just turned retrograde. It’s at 25 degrees Pisces, just one degree away from making an opposition to my Venus from my natal 5th house. (5th house is ruled by Neptune which makes a square to natal Venus..)

Disillusionment.

That is painful. But a different kind of pain, compared to the plutonian one.

This seems to be a more silent kind of pain, less dramatic. Not so much death involved, but a sense of damage beyond repair.

It’s quiet and yet profound. Pluto pain is a lot louder, it really messes you up. It cuts you open and throws your guts all over the place. Blood everywhere. Dramatic shock.

Not with chiron though.

Transiting Saturn has also been activating my natal chiron, and so has Neptune. Again, similar “chironic”/neptunian theme.

Feeling damaged and silently crying, like an orphan on mother’s day.

Then I speak with a friend, laughter. Her healthy and beautiful face fills my heart and removes me from that space.

And for now I am whole again.

Pluto teachings on impermanence..

by with 12 Comments Inner lifeTrip

I’ve been feeling quite weird since the referendum’s result yesterday. (UK leaving the EU)

Confusion.

But I think, mostly, I am tapping into the collective confusion.

I know that, because my life has been quite messy and unclear for over a year now. Since I left my “stability” I’ve been working hard on a stronger sense of solidity and strength. (The kind that does not come from any temporary situation)

It really seems like I have truly understood that everything is so changeable that if we attach our happiness/security/meaning to anything outside ourselves we are bound, sooner or later, to be in despair.

I don’t see any other way to achieve inner peace than achieving it through some serious personal work. What else can we do really?

How can you stop life from happening? (in a larger sense)

Everything inevitably has an end and that causes suffering.

(No news for the Buddhists)

Places, countries, jobs, relationships, economy, you name it. There is always going to be the birth, development and then death of something. That’s the natural law.

And our ego self isn’t necessarily our wisest source of guidance, most of the time I find it to be just the opposite really.

Vanity, pride, greed, selfishness…  the unconscious fear of disappearing is very often a guiding force to our ego. Fear of not being good enough, fear of not having enough, fear of the fear..

There must be a way out!

And for me, the way out is only through finding Me.

I really don’t know what the future holds. Even when I look at future planetary transits (that so many times can be counterproductive as it easily becomes a source of fear and anxiety) I don’t truly know what is going to happen.

It might be this, it might be that.

In this way, I don’t feel I have much power over the future really.

My power is over myself, is over how I learn to master myself. Not about how I suppress my emotions but, more perhaps, about how I can work with these powerful energies. CONSCIOUSLY.

It’s about finding ways to keep yourself centred so nothing (am I deluding myself?!) can throw you off balance. Nothing!

Feeling fearful or anxious won’t make any situation better.

And so I’ve practiced yoga twice today and I’m really paying attention to boundaries. It feels good.

The funny thing is that retrograde Saturn is making an exact trine to my MC and I ended up, surprisingly, leading a yoga practice here in the mornings. Tomorrow is my third day doing it..

 

Professionautism..

by with 13 Comments Astrology and meInner lifeTrip

I’m in Little Dean now (just near the forest of Dean) at the lovely community I spent last year’s summer.

It’s really amazing to be back here, this is one of those really special places in the world. The kind that you always want to go back to.

Yesterday we had dinner together, big table and many blessings. Abundance. Laughter.

Then we improvised a little ritual for the summer solstice/full moon in Sagittarius.

They were asking me what should they write it down. Me, the astrologer.

So I briefly said some stuff about the solstice and full moons and Sagittarius/Gemini flavours.

It was difficult to translate the symbols to each and everyone without being able to get personal.

As an astrologer you really have to, not only master your understanding of what those symbols could possibly mean, but also have the sensitivity and flexibility to translate the meanings back to a language that each individual can relate to.

I’m specifically speaking about a very mixed crowd of people. (different than teaching a group of people that somehow are on the same “page”)

Anyways, the situation made me think about the slow pace that my astrological career is taking. It made me think of how I’m really binding my time when it comes to “putting myself out there”.

Connecting this with what I wrote on my last post (and the conflicting dialogue between Saturn and Neptune in the sky) I am reluctant to getting out there as the “mystic astrologer” kind of thing. The airy fairie type that keep always speaking of changes and letting go and everything that is also nothing at the same time.

I thought about it. I’ve questioned myself if this is an ego trip (the need to be recognised for doing a serious intellectual work) and I’m really trying to peal my ego by having almost nothing at the moment.

But my conclusion is that this isn’t really about my ego. (or is it?!)

I just need to be authentic and true to myself.

That way of doing it (selling myself hard, advertising that I can help you find your purpose or whatever, or perhaps making my practice into a business) doesn’t seem to resonate with me.

I’m resistant. I just want things to unfold organically.

And I am hoping that I’m not deluding myself.. the whole Saturn/Neptune thing again..

(and this full Moon was bang on on my natal Neptune in the second house..)

The Saturn/Neptune challenge

by with 8 Comments Astrology and meInner life

 

At my yoga course one of the teachers said a couple of times: “Too much of an open mind and you end up with your brain scattered all over the floor”. (Something like that)

My virgoan mind understands that danger pretty well I guess. So I’ve always had a tendency to, deep inside, doubt every piece of occult knowledge that I would come across. I was always deeply fascinated about it I confess, but I would also always question every thought or conclusion.

I would always secretly ask myself if I was going mad or something.

Then I came across Carl Jung’s work and with that I encountered some sort of relief. Something clicked inside me and with psychology on my side I could surrender a little deeper into my research.

(The unconscious had always scared and fascinated me.)

Until transiting Neptune opposed my Mercury couple of years ago.

During that time I saw my mind scrambling down almost completely. I couldn’t concentrate, I couldn’t read a book (I used to read books on a regular basis). It was really strange not to be able to think clearly.

But around that time I was having the most amazing and informative dream life that I’ve ever had. I would wake up to incredible holographic lectures on the meaning of Saturn conjunct the MC or some other astrological concept.

Since then, my capacity to interpret astrological symbols got a lot deeper and more intuitive. Now when I look at a chart I’m not only using all of the theoretical information that my brain is capable of decoding and keeping stored but I also feel the chart.

I get acquainted with what the symbols potentially represent by using my rational side, but the symbols speak to me mainly through what I feel while gazing at the picture.

That was part of the Neptunian process of dissolution for me.

And now that Saturn makes a square to Neptune in the sky I find it very important to ask ourselves how to make the balance between these two principles.

How not to be limited by a purely analytical/scientific approach to life, but at the same time, how to not become an airy faerie believer?!

(like I see so many with the increasing “new age” stuff and the pop culture of the “law of attraction” without much substance.)

 

 

Emotions

by with No Comment Inner life

I’ve just been through couple of very emotionally intense days.

Mars is retrograde making a conjunction to my Ascendant (plus the retrograde Pluto I guess) and I felt so much anger. I had forgotten how tiring it is to be angry. (I used to be angry more often when I was younger)

It’s also a bit upsetting to find yourself in those states when you are working so much towards your spiritual path. I know that there is no light without the darkness and that working with our shadow is a very important part of the process, but anger takes a lot and leaves me exhausted.

Anyways, my mother has called me again after a day to say that she is talking to my dad again and that he will be helping her. So she doesn’t need me there anymore.

Even though I’m not going anymore, just the thought of it made me purge kilos and kilos of childhood anger that was (perhaps is) still lingering somewhere in my psyche.

I was impressed by how many tears kept on coming out, and specially by the anger also towards my brother (?!) for never being there to take care of my mother in other occasions. I’ve also noticed tears of resentment (with some guilt for feeling that) for every time (not so many, but a few) that I had to be at the hospital with my mother. For being the one that had to pretend not to be suffering in order to comfort her.

Anyways, enough of that.

Yesterday we had a nice chat on the phone. In a way, the Pluto transit to my moon is also speaking about a deep change that she is going through. And she is. I felt very touched by that as we were chatting yesterday.

I hope I’m not being a bad daughter for making some space to work on my mother complex..

 

Pluto-Moon bummer 3

by with 3 Comments Astrology and meInner life

(Just need to get this out of my chest)

Unbelievable.

I’m aware of Pluto’s retrograde motion getting closer to square my natal Moon again, but I wasn’t expecting that.

I just got a phone call from my mother telling me that she broke her foot and that it will take her at least 45 days to recover (maybe). She won’t be able to do anything so obviously I am going to be the one to just drop everything down (which perhaps isn’t much anyways?) and go to Brazil to nurse her 24/7.

Unbelievable.

I cannot put in words the myriad of intense emotions that this situation has just triggered in me.

One of the big things during this Pluto transit was to realise that my mother isn’t really who I thought she was.

Most of my life, out of feminism or I don’t really know what, I’ve always bought what she told me. I was always on her side. I would always protect and help her, no matter what. I would many times be against my father or sacrifice myself in some way or another for her.

And she always told me we were friends. And I believed it. (Moon in the 11th?)

Well, things turned out to be very different than what she made me believe most of my life. (With Sun in Cancer and Moon in Pisces playing the victim can be one way of manifesting the energies..)

I somehow realised how much that “close friendship” was actcually controlling and suffocating me most of the time.

I’ve been dealing with a lot of anger and resentment for having to play her mother many times. (especially emotionally)

I don’t want that anymore! I’m aware of this dynamic now, the subtle manipulative tactics, emotional blackmail etc.

But I know that she isn’t aware. She isn’t very self aware at all.

I’m amazed to see that, after having what it seemed to be a little break from the intense crisis during the first 2 hits, as Pluto move backwards and approach my natal Moon once more, the whole “life and death”/intense emotions are back almost straight away.

And life reflect symbols that reflects life…