Reaffirming

This is just a very short one.

I’m at a cafe in central London just about to start working.

I’m helping Frank Clifford (amazing astrology teacher!) and Wendy Stacey (also amazing) with the Student’s Astrological Conference in exchange for watching the lectures.

Very ultra excited to be back in class after travelling so much and living in a low budget. I hope the lectures help inspiring me. (I’m sure it will)

I need some reaffirmation on my choice of going on without a “regular” job for so long. I need to feel again the certainty in what I’m doing, even if I’m penny less most of the time.

And I truly hope that this situation won’t prolong for much longer. (The living without cash part..) (well Pluto is about to finish his loooong period travelling through my second house after the last square to my  Moon, I hope that that will reflect the change!)

I have to reaffirm and trust myself.

Be no scared.

Will be back writing on what happens in the conference, new ideas or brilliant insights..

The closing lightness

I’ve had an intense day today.

The opposition between Mars in Scorpio and Mercury in Taurus were bang on on my Ascendant/descendant axis.

Lots of anger coming up and issues with communication.

Anyways, cutting the story short, today in order to avoid exploding with my friend (the one I’ve been living with who’s got Mars in a tight conjunction with my Pluto) I decided to meet one of my exes.

I know it sounds a bit strange. Not even I can explain myself sometimes. (many times)

Anyways, the guy I went to see today was the one I got pregnant from on my Saturn return. The one that had a very important role in creating massive drama in my life. During that time he mistreated me in so many different ways that all of my friends didn’t like him at all. (But my Venus square Neptune insisted on seeing his good side and our spiritual connection..)

You know the story, “girl falls in love with sociopath” kind of thing.

I’m not trying to play the victim. I’m really just trying to state the facts with the detachment granted by time (the great healer of all?!) and lots of inner work.

I think that he was my 1st official broken heart, but for obvious reasons it went much deeper than that.

I hit rock bottom. I was kidnapped and raped in the underworld.

I got completely destroyed.

And today, while we were sitting on the grass I was watching his face, neck and legs from different perspectives. I was looking to those hands that I once loved so much, that somewhere in time had caused me so much pain and suffering. That I once so desperately craved the touch from.

All of that was gone.

(was it madness only? Was I possessed by some kind of demon?)

All that I could see now was a guy with lots of issues and struggles, a guy that wasn’t even attractive to me anymore.

That gave me so much food for thought on the search for my values.

(What do I really value in a relationship? What is really valuable in a partner?)

But the greatest part of encountering him today was that I finally found the closure that I’ve wanted so bad 3 years ago.

It wasn’t long or full of words. It took only a tiny moment.

It was after I told him about the intense purification (purging) that I’ve had whilst my yoga course in Thailand (that was during the 2nd square from transiting Pluto to my Moon).

I told him how surprised I was to see that, during a high fever, I was still dealing with awful feelings of guilt from the abortion 3 years ago. (Even after all the conscious suffering and intense psychotherapy)

I think that his eyes got moist, he gave me a hug and said he was sorry.

That was it.

And with that I saw the end of a chapter in my life.

And all that I could feel was the warmth in my heart with the love that I still feel for him, a different kind of love.

And gratitude.

The death of powerlessness..

I’m sitting at the kitchen table staring at my coffee cup.

Pluto has been retrograde since April the 18th, and as it moves closer and closer to making a third perfect square to my natal Moon I can hear the drums of death, once again, getting louder and louder.

I can recognise that feeling too well.

I can recognise that pool of dark feelings starting to overflow inside me once more.

The sadness of not belonging. Irrational feelings of loneliness and abandonment. The fear of never experiencing how it feels to be truly loved by someone else. The sadness of realising that perhaps you have never been loved for who you are.

The fear that perhaps there is a reason for that. (Your own makings)

Looking at myself in the mirror and facing the terror of perhaps not having anything to offer, of being terribly hollow under all of this gooey stuff that keeps coming up from inside.

I will never forget the intensity of fear I felt back in March 2015 when the first square from Pluto to my Moon was perfected. (It was actually the last exact Pluto/Uranus square in the sky that was picking up my natal Moon to the degree.)

It has been quite a journey.

At that time I quit my job at a cafe (that I could not stand anymore) and I left my house (that I had shared with my brother and another close friend for many years) without having anywhere else to go really.

It was intense. It has been very intense ever since. (With my rising in Scorpio it’s always all or nothing.)

Now, over a year later, I‘m still “homeless” and without a steady income. I still don’t know where home is in a physical sense.

But things inside me have already changed so much.

And I know they are still changing.

I guess there is still inevitably a lot of death to come. A lot of purging and growing. A whole load of tears just waiting to be released.

I don’t know what is going to be happening this time. I don’t really have any clear plans other than going to Brazil for couple of months (no idea when exactly as I have no money) and then back to Thailand again for a few months too.

But at least now I have my yoga practice to keep me centered.

I’ve been doing yoga everyday in the morning. And if I feel any intense emotions like anger or sadness I do more yoga.

I’m learning how to move my energy, how to use strong emotions as fuel for spiritual growth.

So bring it on Pluto,

I’ll be facing the challenges head on.

 

Is destiny negotiable?

Yesterday I finally decided to take a step further on forgetting and moving on from my ex lover and deleted his phone number.

Since Mars has re entered Scorpio I’ve been getting in touch with yet more buried anger towards him and the lack of communication between us.

Then the anger became bigger as I realised that actually this has been a pattern in most of my relationships and indulged in victimising for a bit.

Not fair. (still with my sense of responsibility in the background)

When there is a transit, the Mars retrograde in late Scorpio for instance, the best way for interpreting it is bringing the symbolism to the most individual level possible. That means linking up with the natal chart by understanding the conditions of natal Mars.

Any natal issues related to that planet will be brought up for you to deal with. Specially when the transiting planet is in retrograde motion (revisiting, rethinking,etc).

In my case I have natal Mars conjunct Uranus in the first house opposing Chiron in Gemini in the 7th. And guess what? I always end up getting involved with people that don’t communicate with me.

They simply don’t talk!

So many times I have written long letters explaining how I feel without any kind of deep answer. Many times without answer at all.

This whole issue got me thinking, how much can we scape from our blue print? Am I condemned to struggle communicating with partners for ever?

I believe that these questions bring up a very important issue in the astrological world, how much can we direct our energies and experience reality in a different way?

I’m always gonna be a Chiron in Gemini in the 7th house, so what could be a more consciously positive way of expressing that?

I also can’t deny my contribution with the miscommunication by expressing the Mars conjunct Uranus perhaps a little over the top sometimes.

Is it a matter of measuring then?

When we are conscious of it (which astrology can help with) we can choose how much of this energy will be expressed and in which way. We can also brainstorm what are the positive manifestations of the archetype and consciously express it.

Perhaps the pressure of a dynamic configuration will be released and the energy worked with in a more constructive way for the individual.

Perhaps that’s one of our missions as astrologers?

A thousand souls

I’ve been back in London for almost a week and the weather has been quite foul.

I don’t mind so much this weather as I quite like the introspective invitation from the greyness outside. What disturbs me a bit is being indoors for 4 days and not really spending much time on my own.

My peculiar friend has been friendlier than usual and I’ve been cooking for us most of these days. Which I do enjoy, but yesterday I somehow noticed, in a very subtle way, that I’m beginning to crave my own company.

Is funny how we can have so many souls coexisting within us. I really do enjoy company and moments of sharing (natal Moon in Libra), but doing that for 3 days without a break and I start feeling somewhat suffocated.

Thank God he is a Venus conjunct Uranus and Moon in Aquarius, so I believe he not only understands but needs his solitude very much too.

This is making me wonder, no matter how much you’re truly compatible with someone else, if you have a strong Uranus in your chart, you are always going to feel suffocated if you spend too much time together. Even if you’re just sitting quietly in the living room.

When you’re on your own your energy is free to roam. There is no container, no eye watching and giving you format. No reacting.

Such a contradiction to have couple of planets in the 12th house, Venus making a tight square to Neptune and Moon in Libra when you also have a strong Uranian energy.

My issues with boundaries summarised.

One of the beauties of astrology is that you can map out the psyche and understand a bit more of your own dualities and inner conflicts. Perhaps even find a constructive way of expressing your “thousand souls”.

Astrology helps understanding and making peace with the fact that we are not linear beings, it helps identifying our contradictions. It facilitates the relationship between the many characters coexisting in our psyches.

They can even write letters to each other in this new moon in Gemini..

Basic duality

I’m back to London from the festival in Kent.

It was truly amazing and inspiring to be out there in the field for a few days and I’ve met some real nice and interesting people.

I can see myself becoming more comfortable in my own skin, reveling in my independent and self sufficient nature.

I can see the big difference from last year’s hustle when I left my life in London feeling lost and shattered (when Pluto was making the first exact square to my natal Moon) to how I am feeling now. I am definitely stronger, a lot more confident and capable of doing the things I admired in my ex lover myself.

Anyways, while living in this temporary nomadic community (that’s someone else’s accurate definition of these off grid little festivals) I was bursting with insights to write about.

One of them is about having natal Sun and Mars at odds with each other.

It’s funny, somehow I already had thought clearly about how a guy having Moon and Venus at odds would suggest a certain conflict between the kind of woman he finds attractive versus the one that is nurturing and emotionally appealing. But for some reason I didn’t connect the same principle to a woman’s chart when the Sun and Mars are involved in a more dynamic configuration.

My Sun in Virgo makes a super tight applying square to Mars in Sagittarius and I would always think about the other general characteristics connected with this symbolism. Fighting yourself, bursts of anger, a daredevil disposition, impatience, courage, etc. But I did not give enough thought on how this also applies to relationships.

I’m going through a massive transformation on how I build relationships and discovering the true motivations behind it. And by being on my own I’m having more space to observe myself in social situations.

What is it that I’m looking for? What are my true values when it comes to relating?

I used to be really moved by looks and at the festival I was observing how this tendency usually leads me to someone that I have no intellectual or energetic compatibility whatsoever. But then, on another hand, the ones I felt totally at home with and had interesting conversations, for some reason, were not appealing to me.

That made me realise that perhaps this can also be one way of expressing a Mars and Sun that fight each other in an astrological chart. It’s a basic disagreement between the two masculine archetypes in a girls chart in a similar way that is between the Moon and Venus for a guy.

How can we bring them together?

I’m not sure, but I guess that by becoming aware of the conflict we can avoid swinging from one extreme to another. One relationship that fulfills the Martian desire followed by another one that only speaks to the Sun and we are trapped in polarising without forming satisfying connections.

Also the more we take charge of our potential energies the less likely to search for someone to carry it for us.

The other is free to be himself.

Letter from Saturn in Scorpio

Dear Sir/Madam,

Is outrageous the way that people are lacking depth when it comes to connections and intimacy.

Everything is so easily replaceable nowadays that people are also becoming disposable.

Or so it seems to me.

Why use people to get over someone that you have a strong connection with?

Why so much disrespect and frivolity?

Can’t you be on your own?

Since when has love become a phoney caricature?

A commodity?

Just like a piece of cheap furniture that you conveniently buy in order to be replaced as soon as you get bored and need a bit of a change?!

What is love to you?

To me, in order to experience a deep love you have to be unflinching. Is about knowing what you want and standing up for it. And when you don’t get it, being able to sit with your pain without running away from it.

Is also about being emotionally honest with yourself.

That deep kind of love won’t happen until you have some auhenticity and decide to be truthful to yourself.

It won’t happen until you have the guts to face your demons.

How can there be real intimacy if you cannot face your fears by yourself?

How can you be the container for another person’s shadow if you’re avoiding looking into the mirror?

Don’t be shallow, have some depth.

Only soulful connections are worth making.

Yours faithfully,

Saturn in Scorpio.

Quick one

I just came here for a quick one.

The full Moon in Sagittarius was bang on my nodal axis and I was really flooded with ideas to write about (my north node is in Gemini). Unfortunately, I haven’t got much time so won’t be able to go too deep into anything.

Tomorrow I’m heading to another off grid festival, this time in Kent. I feel quite excited. It seems that the Sagittarian mood has contaminated me with a thirst for adventure. A feeling that I can recognise too well.

It feels like a little break from the heaviness of Pluto transiting my Moon.

It’s been 3 months since I’m back in England and I still haven’t seen my ex lover (the one that had an important role during these transits from Pluto and Uranus to my natal Moon). It seems that I’m finally getting over my obsession for him, or rather for what he represented to me.

I feel the need for freedom screaming louder inside my chest.

It’s funny how sometimes we can fall for an idea of someone rather than the actual person. In the last year I think that I’ve been relating more to a character that he has woken up inside myself than to him.

I’m beginning to free myself from a mental cage and starting to reclaim my power back from my own delusions.

 

Who you are by who you’re not..

Mercury retrograde is a great time to revisit and I really enjoy rereading my writings during this time. Unfortunately I don’t have most of my journals on me, with all my moving around that is impossible, but I somehow found a creative solution to travel in time a bit.

As Mercury is travelling backwards in Taurus, a Venus ruled sign connected with how we express love to others and to ourselves, I had the idea of finding and taking a look at all of my ex boyfriends using social media. This time the stalking wasn’t just meant to be random waste of time, there was a purpose behind it.

I wanted to see the mirrors of who I am not anymore.

I wanted to remember what led me to form a relationship with each one of them and how much our paths have diverged after a few years.

I became aware of my struggle to let go of a lover once I surrender into a highly passionate bond during my Saturn return, when for the first time I wasn’t in a relationship where someone else liked me more.

When for the first time I decided to take the risk (my progressed Venus had also just moved into Scorpio!) I could not build a stable relationship without an intense chemistry from my part anymore.

So before that, I did manage to be in many relationships where I had the upper hand for I wasn’t really passionate about any of them. I might have been infatuated for a little, but that would always fade rather quickly and I would find myself committed to someone I wasn’t that much into.

That was my pattern.

I broke up all of those relationships without looking back. There isn’t a single ex boyfriend that I “revisited” yesterday that I wonder what could have been if only (…) . Not really.

Most of them have pretty regular lives, some of them have children already. Some of them have traditionally married or are just about to get.

That doesn’t really bother me. I wish them well.

This has actually reinforced my idea that what is gone is gone, that there is no use in clinging to the past.

The person that I was then is not here anymore.

And by re encountering who I’m not I could have a clearer picture of who I am now. I’ve given myself the opportunity to think about my values when it comes to forming relationships from now on.

Creative ways of using Mercury retrograde (giggles)

 

 

Progressed Moon / Inner focus

In the last three years I’ve had lots of astrological stuff reflecting change and expansion in my life and that has also given me the opportunity to achieve more understanding of the symbols itself.

One of the obervations that I’d like to share is about the difference between the progressed moon aspecting a natal planet versus having transits to our natal moon.

I’ve had progessed moon crossing my ascendant and later on making a conjunction to my natal Mars/Uranus in the first house. At the same time, transiting Uranus was making an opposition and Pluto making a square to my natal Moon.

That has given me some material to be able to analyse the difference in “real life”.

I think while the natal Moon (like every personal planet in the horoscope) has a very specific significance in the astrological chart and every transiting planet will be activating that complex in any style connected with their symbolism (which sign, house etc), the Progressed Moon works more like our “inner eye”.

Transits from outer planets are very strong indicators of change in the life of a person. If it’s an opposition that change might be triggered by another person, but there is still a big upheaval regarding home and mothering in the case of the natal moon for example. Of course there are a lot of internal changes also happening, but I think that they are synchronised with big changes outside as well.

On the other hand, by experience, it seems that wherever the Progressed Moon is, so is our conscious attention at that especific moment. That gives us the opportunity to map out what parts of our psyche can be better integrated and when.

It feels a bit like that principle in our chart is bound to be expressed or will be screaming out when the Progressed Moon crosses it over.

When my progressed Moon made a conjunction to my Scorpio rising many of the lessons I had during my Saturn return became more clear to me. My seriousness regarding the emotional realm when it comes to relating (Saturn and rising in Scorpio), the importance of emotional honesty became very obvious to me. At that time I was hanging out with an older man and he was reflecting this to me by the way we were communicating with each other and especially the way he was honestly expressing his deeper feelings for me.

When my progressed Moon entered Sagittarius I was just about to leave my home and life in London. I started giving rise to my “hippie” side. I definitely started traveling more (I haven’t really stopped yet).

After a few months, the progressed Moon encountered first my Mars and sometime later my Uranus.

When my progressed Moon made a conjunction to my natal Mars (I also had progressed Mars conjunct the progressed Ascendant reinforcing the message) I was wwoofing in Cirencester. I was consciously embracing my masculine side, I knew I had to do things for myself. I had to be challenged physically, I had to prove my strength to myself.

I was staying alone in a roundhouse in the middle of a field and making fire every night to keep myself warm. Sometimes it would take me a while to get the fire going and sometimes I would burn my hand or hurt myself in some other way.

I looked a bit more scruffy, dirty clothes and shoes that were more practical than anything else. My endurance without a shower was beginning to increase.

But I was proud of myself.

I did notice a more masculine energy around me and I enjoyed it. The satisfaction  of not needing a man to put your tent up or to carry your backpack or to chop your kindling. The sense of freedom that that gives you because you’re more self sufficient. (my Mars is in freedom loving Sagittarius..)

Then a few months later the progressed Moon catches up with natal Uranus and all I wanted was to be on my own!

That happened in the middle of my hitchhiking trip with my friend, when we were spending most of our time together, waking up and going to bed and doing pretty much everything together. Even though we have a very deep and special connection that was challenging.

But, again, because I was aware of my astrology at that time I could use the situation to help me understand more about myself. Astrology to enhance awareness.

I could desperately feel how strong is my urge for independency and aloneness.

I thought back on previous relationships where the other person would somehow feels suffocating and how unconsciously I would find a way out in a sudden and disruptive manner (very uranic indeed!).

I realised how hard was for me to express my need for aloneness without hurting the other person. It was always quite hard for me to be in between hurting someone else or stepping all over my boundaries.

The balance between intimacy and privacy never came easily in my relationships.

And my traveling friend, who has the natal Moon in Cancer in the same degree of my mother’s Sun, reminded me of how much I grew up believing that my need for space was somewhat hurtful to my mother. She would always make a point (my mother) in showing me how rejected she felt every time I would rather stay alone in my room.

My conclusion after that was to embrace my uranic nature and need for independency more consciously.

Maybe in future relationships I will be able to voice it up more clearly.

The more conscious of ourselves, of who we are, the more likely to choose a truly compatible partner. In my case someone that needs intensity and passion but who also needs a great deal of space and freedom.

The progressed Moon gives you the opportunity to embrace yourself more..