Cracking the eggshell

by with No Comment Inner lifeSearch for home

Yesterday I went for drinks at what I used to call a “cool pub in Peckham”.

I could not help but keep watching other people’s behaviour with a  sense of total disconnection,  just like I used to feel when I was much younger and had started going out to nightclubs.

Everything around me seemed so shallow and soulless. People getting drunk and behaving with uncontrollable compulsion.

I somehow could feel the desperate longing for fulfilment, for imediate happiness at all costs. Everything surrounds this search, even the huge amounts of makeup on women’s faces trying to hide away insecurities  for not looking like the girl in the magazine.

I was again sensing how much in main stream society people are trained and expected to feed more and more the false self. To seek things that don’t have real value to the real Self.

I felt how much I don’t belong. How much I’ve never did.

I was wandering for a bit, trying to spot someone different and exciting to have a chat with but without success. Everyone really seemed immersed in their city lives.

Work, money, smart phones, putting up with unlikable routines because that’s just “normal”. Wedding rings, fashionable clothes and shaky hands holding the cigarette that appears to hold the confidence of some. Appearances…and awkwardness behind huge amounts of alcohol.

I’m still cracking the eggshell of my new life, of the new me. I don’t feel the despair I did, when Pluto squared my Moon for the first time, in March last year when I blew my London life up without flinching.

I am more centered, more calm and solid. More certain that that was not the way to go for me. That a life based on appearances and compulsions won’t be much of a life to me.

But yesterday hanging out at that incredibly noisy and lousy environment I felt that pain again. The pain of being isolated, without a supportive community of like minded people. The pain of rejection.

At least with my current gypsy life of uncertainty and search I’ve had had a taster of how it feels to belong and to truly share with people.

I’ve had moments of grace singing and dancing mantras to Shiva, moments of warmth sharing cups of tea around the fire, moments of bliss observing nature’s wonderful beauty and simplicity. Moments of inspiration in the arms of so many genuine hugs that I’ve had the honor to experience on the road.

I think this post is more of a thank you.

I am grateful to the pain of separation that has thrown me into what seems to be my true path.

Pluto transforming the Capricorn principle

by with One Comment Astrology and meInner lifeSearch for home

This is a long title for a post, but I couldn’t think of a better one.

I’ve had an important insight from the book I already mentioned that I’m reading now. (“Yoga and the quest for the true self”)

In one of the chapters the author, who is also a psychotherapist, stretches the equal importance of cultivating insight as well as equanimity in the process of becoming real. He called them the two pillars.

I’ve always had a strong introverted tendency. Even if sociable and very talkative at times I would always need lots of time on my own to recharge myself. To regain balance. To understand and to know myself more deeply.

With my strong Pluto/Scorpio plus Virgo nature, insight and analysis always had a very important place in my life.

Only now, after couple of years in this process of changing my lunar function (represented by the Pluto transit) I’m paying more attention to the equanimity principle.

Basically, a lot of insight without equanimity (the ability to hold and nurture ourselves, the ability to feel safe) we are under the risk of some serious fragmentation of the self. And I can’t help but hear the symbolism connected with the Moon/Cancer in the horoscope when I think about equanimity.

Since Pluto has been squaring my natal Moon I’ve been challenged to take care of myself in so many ways. I’ve been challenged to learn how to nurture myself instead of just projecting my sense of security and well being into someone else (I’m a libra moon!) or into material resources (Pluto is transiting my second house).

It’s been quite a ride, but since my encounter with yoga this process is becoming somehow easier. I am sinking more into my body, understanding more of it’s flow. I am learning that from one day to another I’m different and that’s just natural. In some days some postures are easier to perform than in another. We are not as fixed as we think of ourselves and there is nothing wrong with that.

I am learning to appreciate and accept myself more. I am learning to love my constant flow, just like a river.

And that’s where I thought about the title for this post. I believe that understanding that we are not robots and that efficiency is costing too much by removing us from our natural flow and our connection with the earth and the natural cycles. By removing us from our genuine connection with each other.

How can one be sympathetic when the lack of basic inner nurturance and equanimity is so strong?

Pluto in Capricorn is giving us the opportunity to transform and regain some balance, collectively as well as individually. The opportunity to balance the axis of Capricorn and Cancer in our lives, in our relationship with ourselves. To develop more equanimity is to become more gentle. And that makes me think of Che Guevara’s famous quote:

“Hay que endurecerse, pero sin perder la ternura jamas “

Clarity takes its time 2…

by with One Comment Astrology and meInner lifeSearch for home

I’m back to write a little more on the clarity that I seem to be achieving, especially since Mercury went retrograde.

Speaking about that, I just want to say that even though many people dread when Mercury goes retrograde I’m specially fond of those times. They are really good for going within to revise situations and things that have been bothering you. I see it as an opportunity for rethinking, for gaining yet another perspective in whatever matter you’ve been thinking of. Mercury retrograde is good for introverted kinds of activities, which is probably why it is so misunderstood.

Anyways, Mercury went retrograde while I was at that festival near Brighton. And yes I started having a few insights into myself, the self that I am becoming, and things to let go of.

My vision seems to be becoming clearer and clearer.

The first synchronicity happened with the girl that went to pick me up at the train station, right in the beginning.

When I was just about to get in the car I spotted a bag from the same yoga school I just came back from in Thailand.  The place where I had a boom of purification and purging. It turned out that she also just came back, (she remembered seen me at the library!), and from a powerful transformative experience as well. I haven’t seen her astrological chart, but she told me about having a stellium in Libra and about how much heavy transformation she’s been going through in the last few years.

That was a magical way to start the festival.

Then right after meeting yet another Libra, a girl started putting up her tent besides mine. She was from Portugal and as we were talking we found out that  she lives in a community near the forest of Dean where I was living last summer. That girl knows pretty much all the people that I got to work and share very especial moments last year.

That was it, another one, just like that.

I was amazed to be hit by two strong synchronicities like those in such a short period of time.

It felt like a confirmation, like a big yes from the universe.

I was right about going there on my own. I was right.

I did meet many interesting people and felt very different from last year’s experience. It was like a very subtle feeling of belonging. The beginning of what seems to be a massive change of lifestyle for me.

I’m not entirely sure about where I’m heading, but seeing all of those beautiful colorful people just felt right. Engaging with them in creative and unique ways just felt right. Being able to be myself without struggle, without feeling the looks of criticism or puzzles from others was amazing. It was like being part of a circus, but in a good way.

(I somehow have always fantasised about belonging to a family in a circus, always traveling and performing)

I felt like being part of a conscious community where people care about each other and at the same time give space for each other to just be.

So many smiles and hugs. So much truthfulness. (And it was a drug and alcohol free festival!)

The message that I want to give with this post is a reminder. No matter how much struggle, confusion, destruction and death you are going through while having an important transit from any of the outer planets (by that I mean Uranus, Neptune and Pluto), don’t forget that clarity takes its time.

But when it hits you, during or after those times, no words to describe, it’s a bit like divine light.

It is powerfully mysterious and yet easy to recognise..

Clarity takes its time..

by with One Comment Astrology and meInner lifeSearch for home

Once more I’m back in London.

Just went to work at a festival near Brighton. The same one I’ve worked on my birthday last year, just before I left the country in search for myself.

Last year there was a full moon on the day of my birthday and Neptune was making its last exact opposition to my natal Sun. That was intense. Not a plutonic kind of intensity, but a neptunian one.

I was lost. I couldn’t see myself clearly. There was a terrible sense of longing for something that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I was about to leave the country to one of my biggest adventures but somehow couldn’t feel excited. There was a strange sense of not seeing myself. The strangeness of not having form.

As a result I couldn’t socialise very much during the festival. I was in pain for most of the time. I felt hollow.

Now, after lots of transformation and growth in my travels, being at a festival felt like a different experience. I was there, more grounded in who I am becoming. I now have a sketch, the outline of a bigger me.

It felt great to have a sense of belonging. (The whole Pluto-moon thing going on for me). Amazing to be part of a community. (natal moon in the 11th house…)

I’m in some serious need for rest, so will leave to write about the synchronicities that happened there tomorrow.

Are we hooks for each other?

by with 2 Comments Astrology and meInner life

These days I’ve commited the mistake of calling my ex lover. The idea came very sudden and I could not help.

I don’t know about you, but the full moon in Scorpio last Thursday was extra intense for me. There was an enormous build up of energy to be realised and I got in touch with lots and lots of resentment that was still stored somewhere within me. I also have been getting my period with the full moon and fuck,  that was intense, the so called “PMS” was strong.

Well, they call it pre menstrual syndrome, I call it full moon in Scorpio.

My yoga practice is still pretty consistent and is one of the only things that truly brings me enjoyment and puts me in high spirits.

Going back to the mistaken phone call, just to make it clear, I tried calling  only after I had my big release. When I did call I wasn’t feeling bad about him or expecting much, at least not more than a friendly talk.

To my surprise he picked up the phone quite drunk (he has a big Stellium in Scorpio located in the 12th house of his horoscope, maybe I shouldn’t be that surprised?) He seemed really happy to be talking to me. I know that’s just regular stuff you would think, everyone gets overly excited when they’re drunk and under the beams of scorpionic full moon right? Well, I guess so, but I was still surprised to hear him loosing control a little. He always made a point in keeping his emotions and real feelings for me well hidden (he also has Mars in Capricorn..)

Anyways, what really bothered me also brought me the thought for the title of this post.

I have the strong feeling that he projects much of his Scorpio energy into me, and yes, I do have some plutonic/Scorpio energy in my horoscope so I am somehow a well fitted hook for his projection.

But, my horoscope isn’t nearly as focal into one kind of energy as his.

I also have other kinds of energies that are equally strong to the Pluto/Scorpio signature and they need space to be expressed and recognised as well. My Mars/Uranus in Sagittarius for instance, a kind of energy that is somewhat explosive and very much straight forward. An energy that is way far from dark and secretive.

My point is that even though I had friendly intentions for that conversation, we somehow ended up in a much more “emotional” and “us” kind of chat. I’m really not trying to give away the responsibility for my behaviour or emotional response. What I’m trying to say is that because he seems to be so powerfully unconscious of his feminine planets in Scorpio, the strength that he uses to project them into me is sometimes unbearably strong. So much so that many times whilst we were relating I caught myself behaving in a paranoid, overly jealous or suspicious way. Emotions were really intense.

Again, don’t get me wrong, I do take responsibility for my feelings and yes, I can be paranoid, jealous or suspicious myself. But I am also very straight forward. I really dislike playing games. My strong Sagittarius side can’t really bear not being honest.

Off course there is more stuff happening in our synastry, probably a lot of projection from my part as well.

My question is when and how do we withdraw the projection? When do we reclaim back the dark parts of our psyche?

But also, how much of a hook for each other’s inner characters are we? When I’m around or in touch with this person the pull to behave in a certain way is more than compelling.

If we have the universe within ourselves, then its just logic that we are also part of the other’s universe. It’s like a dance.

The dance of wholeness.

When looking into synastry, pay attention to which island of your psyche is being energised by the other person. And vice versa.

The hooks that bind you will be symbolically represented there..

 

Pluto’s visit to my 2nd house

by with One Comment Astrology and meInner life

I’ve been back in London for over a week and I’m already thinking about going away again.

I know this is no news, considering that one of the only things that has been quite clear to me is that my life in London is gone.

I also know that I am very lucky for having somewhere to stay that is so chilled, perfect for my needs at the moment, and for as long as I want. (my eccentric friend is making sure to tell me that I can stay for as long as I want and not to worry about anything as he seems to truly appreciate my company.)

“We are driven either by achievement and perfectionism, or by their flip side, worthlessness and self-loathing, to play out our ideas of how things should be rather than learning to experience directly the pain or the pleasure of how things are.”

This quote is from the book I am reading at the moment, “Yoga and the quest for the true Self” by Stephen Cope.

Pluto has been transiting my second house for several years and after transiting my natal Moon it will finally make its way into the 3rd house of my horoscope. Pluto started transiting my second house in my early 20’s when I was at university studying history. At that time I had just got my first official job in an archive and I remember feeling overwhelmed by the idea of how to spend my salary. There were so many things that I could buy and be left with no money afterwards. I remember feeling confused passing by so many stores with their strong appeal for consumerism on my bus ride to Uni. I remember my uneasy feeling for having an identity that seemed quite flaky, dependant on something external that from one moment to another could be completely gone.

I wasn’t aware of the deeper questions that were beginning to rise. At that time, I could purely sense them.

I was suddenly a consumer on my own right. No more asking my parents if I could have something or not. I felt a tremendous weight of responsibility for the choices I could be making as if I could instinctively sense what the next few years of Pluto transiting my second house would be about. As if I could sense the latent quest for my true values.

I’ve been struggling with money for most of this time. In the process of understanding what is truly important to me I have been basing my choices in what seems priorities to me, even if most of the time that goes against the common belief that security or value equals money in your bank account. My impulse and need to become myself is so strong that it constantly forces me to challenge my fears.

And that leads us back to the quote I wrote sometime earlier in the text. The book I’m reading now is proving to be such an inspiration after my encounter with  yoga and sustained daily practice. I feel more and more centered in myself. I feel less and less the need for outer reality to confirm the false sense of self, that I should be “successful” in whatever way. That I should be somewhere I’m not at the moment.

Almost at the end of Pluto transiting my second house is becoming more and more unbearable to do something that I don’t resonate with, that I don’t truly value, just for the money.

Because money isn’t the definition of what is valuable to me.

 

Pluto in the english countryside

by with 2 Comments Astrology and meInner lifeTrip

I’ve been out in the English countryside for about a week now.

I’m back to Cirencester, the same place where I did wwoofing last year in the midst of the begining of my plutonian crisis and homelessness. The lady lives in a quite alternative set in a field and has a garden of healing herbs. She knows a lot about it and I enjoy spending time with her very much.

We have many strong interaspects between our charts and I notice a great deal of positive projection in our interaction. Her sun is conjunct my MC,  her Saturn and Venus conjunct my Sun, her moon conjunct my Ascendant.

Anyways, these days she asked me for a reading and also suggested I gave a reading to one of her daughters.

They are both very plutonic women and that got me thinking about how reality powerfully reflect our transits.

I am going through a Pluto transit to my natal Moon and I can’t help but bump into very plutonic women or Moon-Pluto kinds of situations. Like last year when I went back to London from wwoofing and ended up staying at a friend’s that had one of the siblings commited suicide. I woke up in the early morning and spent hours chatting with his grieving mother.

It amazes me how many layers of meaning and possibilities for astrology to be manifested.

I mean, astrology, in my view, is actually just a language that enable us to interpret and increase our understanding of reality. But what a gift!

The lady’s  daughter turned out not only to be a very plutonic woman but also to be going through a powerful plutonic time right now and without knowing. It was such a honor to give her a reading. Such a a gift for me to remind myself about my process, but also and mainly, such a honor to see the light in her eyes change. To see her face brighten up with relief when she said to me “so I’m not going crazy”.

That’s what gives me the confirmation of my choices and makes all the effort I’ve put into learning worth. I know that it would be so much harder to go through this Pluto transit to my Moon without knowing anything about it. So it really pleases me to be of service to people.

To help people understanding more about themselves.

I’m smiling as I write this post and feel the warmth in my heart.

Gratitude.

Layers of meaningfulness

by with No Comment Astrology and meInner lifeSearch for home

One of my greatest discoveries about astrology happened when transiting Neptune was opposing my natal Mercury couple of years ago. It happened when I could not concentrate to read one single sentence in a book but was having astrological lectures through my dreams instead. Obviously, as expected with Neptune’s symbolism, it took me sometime to clarify and understand this new way of interpreting the symbols.

I was listening to some samba just now, a traditional kind of music from Brazil that I rarely listen to. To be honest with you, and that’s how I started to wonder, I rarely listen to any brazilian music at all. Not that I don’t like it. Brazilian music is pretty good. But there is something about the national identity that has always bugged me and since I’ve left Brazil eight years ago I’ve been somehow avoiding it altogether.

I guess that my Uranic nature never felt like truly belonging anywhere, but specially to a culture that has strongly been based, between other frivolous things like carnaval and football, in the sexual objectification of women.

That macho culture, perhaps present in most Latin countries, has always annoyed me tremendously. I didn’t want to be part of that and leaving the country seemed like a great relief. I could finally be myself. I could finally be free to interact in any way that I felt like with people from everywhere else in the world.

That was grand, but at the same time, when I look back, I think that with the urge of freeing myself from the caveman’s culture I sort of lost a precious connection with my roots.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still not a big fan of nationalism. But there is something important connected with where we come from that perhaps can also give us a hand in the search for ourselves. I am not my country or plainly my nationality, but there are certain things that I grew up on that still speaks to my soul.

Im only mentioning it, now we get to the astrological point, because I totally see this as part of the Pluto transit to my Moon. There are so many different layers to it.

It’s amazing how astrological symbolism works with layers and layers of meanings.

Pluto is transiting my second house, it has a lot to do with changing completely the way that I make my money and, on a deeper level, transforming my sense of self worth. Pluto is making a square to my Moon in Libra, yes, it also has a lot to do with leaving compulsive, childish and less desirable traits that would come out in relationships. I am developing yet another level of self reliability and independency, maybe after that I can truly hope for partnerships based in equality. The Moon is also connected with mother and I’ve been dealing with my mother complex big time. My Moon is also in the eleventh house, one of the strong themes with this transit has been the search for a community of like minded people that can give me a sense of belonging. Then my Moon rules the ninth house and I have been traveling quite a bit in search for home.

Perhaps the second half of this year will have something to do with me going to Brazil for a little. Maybe I need to revisit and reconnect with my roots. Find that part of myself, the brazilian part.

I don’t know about that. What I really know, and wanted to make a point in this post, is that astrological symbolism has many levels and we should always keep that in mind I think. If we are too ready to interpret a transit or aspect or whatever for ourselves or clients we are bound to miss a lot of potential important information.

I see the astrologer’s work as translation but also as detective work. We need to do our best to stretch out the symbolism as much as we can in order to see the bigger picture. In order to help people finding their bigger picture.

Reminder

by with No Comment Astrology and meInner lifeRandomSearch for home

Mostly I’m writing this post now as a reminder to myself.

I’m in Clapham Common having a coffee at the place I used to work before leaving everything behind. I actually just finished my second coffee. I really shouldn’t have done this as I’m now feeling a bit hyper. At the yoga school coffee is one of the things they tell you to quit.

I’m having my period in about a week, (I’ve been having my period around the full moon for quite a while), and feel strange. My PMS isn’t nearly as strong as it used to be before consistently practicing yoga like I’ve been doing everyday for the past 2 months and a half, but I can still feel it. The practice of yoga is not only decreasing my levels of PMS, but also providing me with detachment. That is truly great. Is like I can, instead of just becoming instantly possessed by it, stare at the more destructive parts of myself in the face.

Anyways, the more infantile part of me, the one that was desperately in love with that young man over a year ago, has been actively throwing emotions at me today. I’m still quite centered though. I’m not necessarily felling cheerful, but I’m peaceful.

This situation reminds me of the realisation I’ve had after coming back from Bristol last week.

The Pluto transit to my Moon is still an ongoing process, with the longest hit taking place pretty much during the whole second half of this year. I don’t like predictions and I strongly believe that thoughts create reality, but after I came back from Bristol I realised that my confusion and search for home is still going to linger on for a bit longer. The feeling of contentment and belonging that I’ve had during my last two weeks in Thailand whilst being super busy with astrology was just a taster. It was just a preview of, more or less, how my life can be once Im done with all of the detox and transformation expected from an intense plutonic time.

I feel that I really need to keep reminding myself of that in order to work constructively with whatever is being born within me. And the transit is perhaps only a reflection.

I like to think like that. I believe it to be more empowering and helpful in the cultivation of patience, a fundamental virtue in the process of maturation.

Energy work

by with No Comment Astrology and meInner life

My excitement needs a post to be registered.

Back in London again and had a pretty sound day today.

Later on, after almost 2 weeks that I’ve been back in the UK, I finally felt like contacting my ex lover. The one that played an important part in all of these changes that I’ve been making since last year. The one that was so hard to forget during this whole time of intense turbulence.

I guess I am very happy to have spoken to him just now. Happy to have shared a few of my thoughts and feelings about my life now.

But mostly I’m truly excited about putting in practice what I’ve learnt at the yoga course.

When I called him my heart was wildly pumping. It was amazing to see the effect that he still somehow has over me. There is this crazy amount of emotional intensity in this connection and that always felt quite uncomfortable to me, as well as somehow irresistible. Both my Pluto and Saturn are in Scorpio and as much as I praise and seek an intense emotional exchange and intimate connection with someone, I also dread that.

I could never ignore the fact that our composite Moon is tightly conjunct to Pluto.

There was, and it seems like there is still, a lot of powerful emotions being generated by our interaction. The difference now is knowing how to use that mainly as, quite literally, a generator. A generator of a kind of energy that can be harnessed for spiritual growth. Straight after my first attempt calling him and feeling those strong feelings I just did some of the yoga postures and breathing exercises for sublimation of energy. Basically I did the exercises that were designed to send the flow of energy from the lower chakras to the higher ones.

It worked pretty well I think.

When we actually spoke on the phone I was quite centered and did not lose the focus on myself. Amazing. This is precious knowledge for someone like me, someone that tend to feel things quite intensely. Especially when it comes to a love affair.

I think that finding ways to help reclaiming our power is crucial in the process of self realisation.

I feel content.