Another corpse within me,
The death of my dying feelings for you.
I thank you and remove the dead skin of yesterday’s love.
I want to be free, I want to soar into the heights of depth…
I want bravery to unflinchingly be
And I like it hot.
I now know, noo ..
I’ve been feeling quite weird since the referendum’s result yesterday. (UK leaving the EU)
Confusion.
But I think, mostly, I am tapping into the collective confusion.
I know that, because my life has been quite messy and unclear for over a year now. Since I left my “stability” I’ve been working hard on a stronger sense of solidity and strength. (The kind that does not come from any temporary situation)
It really seems like I have truly understood that everything is so changeable that if we attach our happiness/security/meaning to anything outside ourselves we are bound, sooner or later, to be in despair.
I don’t see any other way to achieve inner peace than achieving it through some serious personal work. What else can we do really?
How can you stop life from happening? (in a larger sense)
Everything inevitably has an end and that causes suffering.
(No news for the Buddhists)
Places, countries, jobs, relationships, economy, you name it. There is always going to be the birth, development and then death of something. That’s the natural law.
And our ego self isn’t necessarily our wisest source of guidance, most of the time I find it to be just the opposite really.
Vanity, pride, greed, selfishness… the unconscious fear of disappearing is very often a guiding force to our ego. Fear of not being good enough, fear of not having enough, fear of the fear..
There must be a way out!
And for me, the way out is only through finding Me.
I really don’t know what the future holds. Even when I look at future planetary transits (that so many times can be counterproductive as it easily becomes a source of fear and anxiety) I don’t truly know what is going to happen.
It might be this, it might be that.
In this way, I don’t feel I have much power over the future really.
My power is over myself, is over how I learn to master myself. Not about how I suppress my emotions but, more perhaps, about how I can work with these powerful energies. CONSCIOUSLY.
It’s about finding ways to keep yourself centred so nothing (am I deluding myself?!) can throw you off balance. Nothing!
Feeling fearful or anxious won’t make any situation better.
And so I’ve practiced yoga twice today and I’m really paying attention to boundaries. It feels good.
The funny thing is that retrograde Saturn is making an exact trine to my MC and I ended up, surprisingly, leading a yoga practice here in the mornings. Tomorrow is my third day doing it..
I’m in Little Dean now (just near the forest of Dean) at the lovely community I spent last year’s summer.
It’s really amazing to be back here, this is one of those really special places in the world. The kind that you always want to go back to.
Yesterday we had dinner together, big table and many blessings. Abundance. Laughter.
Then we improvised a little ritual for the summer solstice/full moon in Sagittarius.
They were asking me what should they write it down. Me, the astrologer.
So I briefly said some stuff about the solstice and full moons and Sagittarius/Gemini flavours.
It was difficult to translate the symbols to each and everyone without being able to get personal.
As an astrologer you really have to, not only master your understanding of what those symbols could possibly mean, but also have the sensitivity and flexibility to translate the meanings back to a language that each individual can relate to.
I’m specifically speaking about a very mixed crowd of people. (different than teaching a group of people that somehow are on the same “page”)
Anyways, the situation made me think about the slow pace that my astrological career is taking. It made me think of how I’m really binding my time when it comes to “putting myself out there”.
Connecting this with what I wrote on my last post (and the conflicting dialogue between Saturn and Neptune in the sky) I am reluctant to getting out there as the “mystic astrologer” kind of thing. The airy fairie type that keep always speaking of changes and letting go and everything that is also nothing at the same time.
I thought about it. I’ve questioned myself if this is an ego trip (the need to be recognised for doing a serious intellectual work) and I’m really trying to peal my ego by having almost nothing at the moment.
But my conclusion is that this isn’t really about my ego. (or is it?!)
I just need to be authentic and true to myself.
That way of doing it (selling myself hard, advertising that I can help you find your purpose or whatever, or perhaps making my practice into a business) doesn’t seem to resonate with me.
I’m resistant. I just want things to unfold organically.
And I am hoping that I’m not deluding myself.. the whole Saturn/Neptune thing again..
(and this full Moon was bang on on my natal Neptune in the second house..)
I’m sitting at the kitchen table staring at my coffee cup.
Pluto has been retrograde since April the 18th, and as it moves closer and closer to making a third perfect square to my natal Moon I can hear the drums of death, once again, getting louder and louder.
I can recognise that feeling too well.
I can recognise that pool of dark feelings starting to overflow inside me once more.
The sadness of not belonging. Irrational feelings of loneliness and abandonment. The fear of never experiencing how it feels to be truly loved by someone else. The sadness of realising that perhaps you have never been loved for who you are.
The fear that perhaps there is a reason for that. (Your own makings)
Looking at myself in the mirror and facing the terror of perhaps not having anything to offer, of being terribly hollow under all of this gooey stuff that keeps coming up from inside.
I will never forget the intensity of fear I felt back in March 2015 when the first square from Pluto to my Moon was perfected. (It was actually the last exact Pluto/Uranus square in the sky that was picking up my natal Moon to the degree.)
It has been quite a journey.
At that time I quit my job at a cafe (that I could not stand anymore) and I left my house (that I had shared with my brother and another close friend for many years) without having anywhere else to go really.
It was intense. It has been very intense ever since. (With my rising in Scorpio it’s always all or nothing.)
Now, over a year later, I‘m still “homeless” and without a steady income. I still don’t know where home is in a physical sense.
But things inside me have already changed so much.
And I know they are still changing.
I guess there is still inevitably a lot of death to come. A lot of purging and growing. A whole load of tears just waiting to be released.
I don’t know what is going to be happening this time. I don’t really have any clear plans other than going to Brazil for couple of months (no idea when exactly as I have no money) and then back to Thailand again for a few months too.
But at least now I have my yoga practice to keep me centered.
I’ve been doing yoga everyday in the morning. And if I feel any intense emotions like anger or sadness I do more yoga.
I’m learning how to move my energy, how to use strong emotions as fuel for spiritual growth.
So bring it on Pluto,
I’ll be facing the challenges head on.
I’m back to London from the festival in Kent.
It was truly amazing and inspiring to be out there in the field for a few days and I’ve met some real nice and interesting people.
I can see myself becoming more comfortable in my own skin, reveling in my independent and self sufficient nature.
I can see the big difference from last year’s hustle when I left my life in London feeling lost and shattered (when Pluto was making the first exact square to my natal Moon) to how I am feeling now. I am definitely stronger, a lot more confident and capable of doing the things I admired in my ex lover myself.
Anyways, while living in this temporary nomadic community (that’s someone else’s accurate definition of these off grid little festivals) I was bursting with insights to write about.
One of them is about having natal Sun and Mars at odds with each other.
It’s funny, somehow I already had thought clearly about how a guy having Moon and Venus at odds would suggest a certain conflict between the kind of woman he finds attractive versus the one that is nurturing and emotionally appealing. But for some reason I didn’t connect the same principle to a woman’s chart when the Sun and Mars are involved in a more dynamic configuration.
My Sun in Virgo makes a super tight applying square to Mars in Sagittarius and I would always think about the other general characteristics connected with this symbolism. Fighting yourself, bursts of anger, a daredevil disposition, impatience, courage, etc. But I did not give enough thought on how this also applies to relationships.
I’m going through a massive transformation on how I build relationships and discovering the true motivations behind it. And by being on my own I’m having more space to observe myself in social situations.
What is it that I’m looking for? What are my true values when it comes to relating?
I used to be really moved by looks and at the festival I was observing how this tendency usually leads me to someone that I have no intellectual or energetic compatibility whatsoever. But then, on another hand, the ones I felt totally at home with and had interesting conversations, for some reason, were not appealing to me.
That made me realise that perhaps this can also be one way of expressing a Mars and Sun that fight each other in an astrological chart. It’s a basic disagreement between the two masculine archetypes in a girls chart in a similar way that is between the Moon and Venus for a guy.
How can we bring them together?
I’m not sure, but I guess that by becoming aware of the conflict we can avoid swinging from one extreme to another. One relationship that fulfills the Martian desire followed by another one that only speaks to the Sun and we are trapped in polarising without forming satisfying connections.
Also the more we take charge of our potential energies the less likely to search for someone to carry it for us.
The other is free to be himself.
Yesterday I went for drinks at what I used to call a “cool pub in Peckham”.
I could not help but keep watching other people’s behaviour with a sense of total disconnection, just like I used to feel when I was much younger and had started going out to nightclubs.
Everything around me seemed so shallow and soulless. People getting drunk and behaving with uncontrollable compulsion.
I somehow could feel the desperate longing for fulfilment, for imediate happiness at all costs. Everything surrounds this search, even the huge amounts of makeup on women’s faces trying to hide away insecurities for not looking like the girl in the magazine.
I was again sensing how much in main stream society people are trained and expected to feed more and more the false self. To seek things that don’t have real value to the real Self.
I felt how much I don’t belong. How much I’ve never did.
I was wandering for a bit, trying to spot someone different and exciting to have a chat with but without success. Everyone really seemed immersed in their city lives.
Work, money, smart phones, putting up with unlikable routines because that’s just “normal”. Wedding rings, fashionable clothes and shaky hands holding the cigarette that appears to hold the confidence of some. Appearances…and awkwardness behind huge amounts of alcohol.
I’m still cracking the eggshell of my new life, of the new me. I don’t feel the despair I did, when Pluto squared my Moon for the first time, in March last year when I blew my London life up without flinching.
I am more centered, more calm and solid. More certain that that was not the way to go for me. That a life based on appearances and compulsions won’t be much of a life to me.
But yesterday hanging out at that incredibly noisy and lousy environment I felt that pain again. The pain of being isolated, without a supportive community of like minded people. The pain of rejection.
At least with my current gypsy life of uncertainty and search I’ve had had a taster of how it feels to belong and to truly share with people.
I’ve had moments of grace singing and dancing mantras to Shiva, moments of warmth sharing cups of tea around the fire, moments of bliss observing nature’s wonderful beauty and simplicity. Moments of inspiration in the arms of so many genuine hugs that I’ve had the honor to experience on the road.
I think this post is more of a thank you.
I am grateful to the pain of separation that has thrown me into what seems to be my true path.
This is a long title for a post, but I couldn’t think of a better one.
I’ve had an important insight from the book I already mentioned that I’m reading now. (“Yoga and the quest for the true self”)
In one of the chapters the author, who is also a psychotherapist, stretches the equal importance of cultivating insight as well as equanimity in the process of becoming real. He called them the two pillars.
I’ve always had a strong introverted tendency. Even if sociable and very talkative at times I would always need lots of time on my own to recharge myself. To regain balance. To understand and to know myself more deeply.
With my strong Pluto/Scorpio plus Virgo nature, insight and analysis always had a very important place in my life.
Only now, after couple of years in this process of changing my lunar function (represented by the Pluto transit) I’m paying more attention to the equanimity principle.
Basically, a lot of insight without equanimity (the ability to hold and nurture ourselves, the ability to feel safe) we are under the risk of some serious fragmentation of the self. And I can’t help but hear the symbolism connected with the Moon/Cancer in the horoscope when I think about equanimity.
Since Pluto has been squaring my natal Moon I’ve been challenged to take care of myself in so many ways. I’ve been challenged to learn how to nurture myself instead of just projecting my sense of security and well being into someone else (I’m a libra moon!) or into material resources (Pluto is transiting my second house).
It’s been quite a ride, but since my encounter with yoga this process is becoming somehow easier. I am sinking more into my body, understanding more of it’s flow. I am learning that from one day to another I’m different and that’s just natural. In some days some postures are easier to perform than in another. We are not as fixed as we think of ourselves and there is nothing wrong with that.
I am learning to appreciate and accept myself more. I am learning to love my constant flow, just like a river.
And that’s where I thought about the title for this post. I believe that understanding that we are not robots and that efficiency is costing too much by removing us from our natural flow and our connection with the earth and the natural cycles. By removing us from our genuine connection with each other.
How can one be sympathetic when the lack of basic inner nurturance and equanimity is so strong?
Pluto in Capricorn is giving us the opportunity to transform and regain some balance, collectively as well as individually. The opportunity to balance the axis of Capricorn and Cancer in our lives, in our relationship with ourselves. To develop more equanimity is to become more gentle. And that makes me think of Che Guevara’s famous quote:
“Hay que endurecerse, pero sin perder la ternura jamas “
I’m back to write a little more on the clarity that I seem to be achieving, especially since Mercury went retrograde.
Speaking about that, I just want to say that even though many people dread when Mercury goes retrograde I’m specially fond of those times. They are really good for going within to revise situations and things that have been bothering you. I see it as an opportunity for rethinking, for gaining yet another perspective in whatever matter you’ve been thinking of. Mercury retrograde is good for introverted kinds of activities, which is probably why it is so misunderstood.
Anyways, Mercury went retrograde while I was at that festival near Brighton. And yes I started having a few insights into myself, the self that I am becoming, and things to let go of.
My vision seems to be becoming clearer and clearer.
The first synchronicity happened with the girl that went to pick me up at the train station, right in the beginning.
When I was just about to get in the car I spotted a bag from the same yoga school I just came back from in Thailand. The place where I had a boom of purification and purging. It turned out that she also just came back, (she remembered seen me at the library!), and from a powerful transformative experience as well. I haven’t seen her astrological chart, but she told me about having a stellium in Libra and about how much heavy transformation she’s been going through in the last few years.
That was a magical way to start the festival.
Then right after meeting yet another Libra, a girl started putting up her tent besides mine. She was from Portugal and as we were talking we found out that she lives in a community near the forest of Dean where I was living last summer. That girl knows pretty much all the people that I got to work and share very especial moments last year.
That was it, another one, just like that.
I was amazed to be hit by two strong synchronicities like those in such a short period of time.
It felt like a confirmation, like a big yes from the universe.
I was right about going there on my own. I was right.
I did meet many interesting people and felt very different from last year’s experience. It was like a very subtle feeling of belonging. The beginning of what seems to be a massive change of lifestyle for me.
I’m not entirely sure about where I’m heading, but seeing all of those beautiful colorful people just felt right. Engaging with them in creative and unique ways just felt right. Being able to be myself without struggle, without feeling the looks of criticism or puzzles from others was amazing. It was like being part of a circus, but in a good way.
(I somehow have always fantasised about belonging to a family in a circus, always traveling and performing)
I felt like being part of a conscious community where people care about each other and at the same time give space for each other to just be.
So many smiles and hugs. So much truthfulness. (And it was a drug and alcohol free festival!)
The message that I want to give with this post is a reminder. No matter how much struggle, confusion, destruction and death you are going through while having an important transit from any of the outer planets (by that I mean Uranus, Neptune and Pluto), don’t forget that clarity takes its time.
But when it hits you, during or after those times, no words to describe, it’s a bit like divine light.
It is powerfully mysterious and yet easy to recognise..
Once more I’m back in London.
Just went to work at a festival near Brighton. The same one I’ve worked on my birthday last year, just before I left the country in search for myself.
Last year there was a full moon on the day of my birthday and Neptune was making its last exact opposition to my natal Sun. That was intense. Not a plutonic kind of intensity, but a neptunian one.
I was lost. I couldn’t see myself clearly. There was a terrible sense of longing for something that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I was about to leave the country to one of my biggest adventures but somehow couldn’t feel excited. There was a strange sense of not seeing myself. The strangeness of not having form.
As a result I couldn’t socialise very much during the festival. I was in pain for most of the time. I felt hollow.
Now, after lots of transformation and growth in my travels, being at a festival felt like a different experience. I was there, more grounded in who I am becoming. I now have a sketch, the outline of a bigger me.
It felt great to have a sense of belonging. (The whole Pluto-moon thing going on for me). Amazing to be part of a community. (natal moon in the 11th house…)
I’m in some serious need for rest, so will leave to write about the synchronicities that happened there tomorrow.
I’ve been out in the English countryside for about a week now.
I’m back to Cirencester, the same place where I did wwoofing last year in the midst of the begining of my plutonian crisis and homelessness. The lady lives in a quite alternative set in a field and has a garden of healing herbs. She knows a lot about it and I enjoy spending time with her very much.
We have many strong interaspects between our charts and I notice a great deal of positive projection in our interaction. Her sun is conjunct my MC, her Saturn and Venus conjunct my Sun, her moon conjunct my Ascendant.
Anyways, these days she asked me for a reading and also suggested I gave a reading to one of her daughters.
They are both very plutonic women and that got me thinking about how reality powerfully reflect our transits.
I am going through a Pluto transit to my natal Moon and I can’t help but bump into very plutonic women or Moon-Pluto kinds of situations. Like last year when I went back to London from wwoofing and ended up staying at a friend’s that had one of the siblings commited suicide. I woke up in the early morning and spent hours chatting with his grieving mother.
It amazes me how many layers of meaning and possibilities for astrology to be manifested.
I mean, astrology, in my view, is actually just a language that enable us to interpret and increase our understanding of reality. But what a gift!
The lady’s daughter turned out not only to be a very plutonic woman but also to be going through a powerful plutonic time right now and without knowing. It was such a honor to give her a reading. Such a a gift for me to remind myself about my process, but also and mainly, such a honor to see the light in her eyes change. To see her face brighten up with relief when she said to me “so I’m not going crazy”.
That’s what gives me the confirmation of my choices and makes all the effort I’ve put into learning worth. I know that it would be so much harder to go through this Pluto transit to my Moon without knowing anything about it. So it really pleases me to be of service to people.
To help people understanding more about themselves.
I’m smiling as I write this post and feel the warmth in my heart.
Gratitude.