Reminder

Mostly I’m writing this post now as a reminder to myself.

I’m in Clapham Common having a coffee at the place I used to work before leaving everything behind. I actually just finished my second coffee. I really shouldn’t have done this as I’m now feeling a bit hyper. At the yoga school coffee is one of the things they tell you to quit.

I’m having my period in about a week, (I’ve been having my period around the full moon for quite a while), and feel strange. My PMS isn’t nearly as strong as it used to be before consistently practicing yoga like I’ve been doing everyday for the past 2 months and a half, but I can still feel it. The practice of yoga is not only decreasing my levels of PMS, but also providing me with detachment. That is truly great. Is like I can, instead of just becoming instantly possessed by it, stare at the more destructive parts of myself in the face.

Anyways, the more infantile part of me, the one that was desperately in love with that young man over a year ago, has been actively throwing emotions at me today. I’m still quite centered though. I’m not necessarily felling cheerful, but I’m peaceful.

This situation reminds me of the realisation I’ve had after coming back from Bristol last week.

The Pluto transit to my Moon is still an ongoing process, with the longest hit taking place pretty much during the whole second half of this year. I don’t like predictions and I strongly believe that thoughts create reality, but after I came back from Bristol I realised that my confusion and search for home is still going to linger on for a bit longer. The feeling of contentment and belonging that I’ve had during my last two weeks in Thailand whilst being super busy with astrology was just a taster. It was just a preview of, more or less, how my life can be once Im done with all of the detox and transformation expected from an intense plutonic time.

I feel that I really need to keep reminding myself of that in order to work constructively with whatever is being born within me. And the transit is perhaps only a reflection.

I like to think like that. I believe it to be more empowering and helpful in the cultivation of patience, a fundamental virtue in the process of maturation.

Searching for home part 2

I’m in Bristol now.

I arrived here yesterday to meet a potential house mate. The add seemed lovely, an older woman who is an energy worker as well as an astrologer looking for 2 more people to share a farm house. Big garden to grow vegetables and pretty spacious house.

One big let down though, too far away and difficult to get to Bristol City centre without a car. I didn’t even go to meet her once I realised the massive pain to get there by public transport.

It didn’t work out but I’m okay with that. It’s good to be here and allow myself time to feel the city, or perhaps to rather give me time to allow feeling myself in this city.

I’ve been officially homeless for a year now.

Exactly one year ago the last Uranus-Pluto square that was perfected in the sky happened at 15 degrees, same degree as my natal Moon. On 12th of March 2015, when Mars was also conjoining Uranus in the sky, I was packing up and selecting the stuff that potentially could still be part of my new life.

I was terrified and shattered at the same time. The intensity of emotions that I felt during that time was truly overwhelming. It sounds contradictory, but I remember to be feeling blind and numb by the powerful intensity.

I also remember the first few steps that I took once I left the house with my backpack. A brief moment of clarity, freedom and certainty. Yes, I was shortly thrown back into the darker feelings aroused by such changes in life. But those few minutes were somehow crucial to keep me on track. To help me build the courage needed in order to leave stagnant comfort zones behind.

One year has gone by and my sense of Self has increased tremendously. I’ve always knew that projecting my identity and safety into outer things, like relationships or material stuff, wouldn’t work for me. Consolidating your sense of security into yourself feels right and I’m already experiencing moments of solid balance as a reward.

(I’ve had more to write in this post but got interrupted by my friend and somehow feels like a pretense to continue without the feelings of that moment..)

Pluto-Mars dialogue

I’ve been trying to avoid writing posts with too much information about my private life but damn it, that’s impossible really. I realised that for me is too hard to put my energy into something that I can’t relate to in a more personal level.

Couple of days ago I was thinking and wrote a post about the tightest interaspect between my natal chart and my current flat mate/friend. About how much I could already kind of sense that energy even if in a more subtle form.

Well, yesterday I think that there was already an episode related to the manifestation of that energy. After watching a movie together and getting sort of close but also repelling each other in a strange way, we started to chat. I’ve been aware of this feeling of attraction and repulsion already for a while, and used to feel the repulsion a lot since we’ve met around 3 years ago.

I’m the Pluto so I was trying to understand his view on what was happening but mostly through bringing it down to his past experiences. I think that the fact that both of us have our Moon in air signs sort of help keeping a little detachment and being able to talk about it. He was quite reserved and didn’t reveal much about his story but I could sense a huge degree of complexity under the surface.

This whole thing actually made me wonder, without pushing away my responsibility over my feelings, if the irritation and anger I’ve always felt towards him doesn’t have to do with the fact that my Pluto is in the 12th house and I can naturally tap into people’s darker side? Anger has a strong resonance with sexual frustration and I did sense that in the undercurrents while we were talking last night.

Today I felt a bit weird about the whole thing because unusually he woke up quite late and I had to constantly fight feelings of being on his way in the morning.

Then consequently I felt homeless again. Is hard not to have your own space when you get so easily enmeshed with other people’s stuff.

This got me a bit down during most of the day and going to Clapham Common didn’t help much also. I went to do some child minding with the boys (which I truly adore) I took care for couple of years. It was great to see them again, but hanging out in that area really brought me some painful memories from my Saturn return.

One day I’ll write about that.

I also found out that the boys family is coincidentally moving to Pangbourne, the small place where my ex lover is from. That too brought me painful memories.

Which reminds me to charge forward. Looking back doesn’t feel good now. And to not forget that I made a commitment with myself not to play the therapist/astrologer for a lover ever again.

We have to meet half way.

 

Relational alchemy

I’m back in London now.

I did write a post on my way to Bangkok but for some reason it was lost and out of frustration I refused to write another one. That bit of the journey and it’s thoughts are gone. Never mind that.

So I’m back in London  now. England still does feel like home to me and, call me crazy, I do appreciate the English weather. And also its beautiful nature. I’m still not sure about where is home but somehow, as I expand, this question is getting less and less urgent. It sounds cliché, but I do feel the truth in the saying that home is where you put your heart into.

I feel peaceful.

The last square from Pluto to my moon was very powerful, as we would expect it to be, but the intense practice of yoga was fundamental to my new sense of inner peace and solidity right now. I’m so glad I took that step. So much purging has happened. I feel lighter and more solid at the same time.

I’m now at a friends house in South London and thinking about synastry. I have a few interesting interaspects with him and can’t help but observe how I feel them to manifest in our interaction.

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two substances: if there is any reaction both are transformed.” This is one of my favorite quotes by Carl Jung and it always makes me think about how synastry works.

In synastry I find that the tightest interaspect, as well as the double whammy ones, always feature really strongly. I’ve been observing the differences in how I feel around someone that has, for example,  Saturn conjunct my Mars with an orbit of 3 compared to someone else with the same interaspect but with an orbit of 0 degrees instead. The difference is astounding.

This observation makes me think that perhaps the tightest interaspects are a quick way to access the myth of the relationship. To sort of know what themes are going to be strongly invoked by each other and on each other at the same time. Then obviously we also have to analyse both natal charts individually, in order to have an idea of how that interaction has an impact and connects with the process of individuation of each person.

Our (me and my friend’s) synastry tightest interaspect is his Mars at 0 degrees Scorpio making a conjunction to my Pluto at 0 Scorpio. His Mars also falls into my 12th house and I’ve always noticed that somehow, without any rational or clear explanation, something in him irritates me in a strange way. Because of my astrology I was always aware that it’s something  more powerful and potentially “dangerous” than an irritation caused by a Moon square Moon. There is something deep in this irritation that I feel towards him. And now that I’ve been spending time at his place I can also feel our second tightest interaspect, his Moon/Jupiter conjunction in aquarious making an almost exact trine to my libra Moon. It really feels pleasant to share a home. It feels comfortable and easy on this level. But the Pluto Mars thing is always powerfully in the background and it makes me a bit cautious. It constantly feels like there is some imminent potential for destruction between us.

I have to confess that my Scorpio ascendant finds it exciting.

At the same time we also have a double whammy of Saturn conjunct each others South Node and I can’t help but think that we’ve known each other from before. Perhaps we fucked each other up in another lifetime? I’m not sure but I’m definitely paying attention in this life’s interaction ..

More on that another time.

Evolutionary boost

Another five days have gone by and my energy has shifted.

These are my last two weeks around here and thanks to my my lunar node contact (the friend I wrote about in the last post, with the Gemini Moon tightly conjunct my North Node) I’ve decided to stay. Is quite interesting to see and experience in real life what we usually read in most websites about the relevance of Nodal contacts in synastry.

I have seen Nodal interaspects between my astrological chart and the chart of important people in my life. My brother’s North Node makes a tight conjunction to my MC and I have close and important friends in my life that shares this kind of astrological configuration with me. Apart from sharing a very special and significant place in my heart they also have another thing in common:  most of these connections were developed slowly and steadily. No sudden clicks or boosts. Yes, they’ve entered my life to stay and I’ve always thought that for the same reason there was no need for speeding anything up, there was always an intrinsic sense that that was meant to be.

This is the first time that the relevance of the Nodal connection is quickly revealed to me. A few casual encounters here and there and I already could sense the depth and emotional bond (even if not yet developed in full potential). I say emotional bond precisely because it’s his Moon, representing his emotional body, that makes the contact and color our interaction. I’ve noticed, very casually, his impulse to take care of me in quite a lunar way. It really feels nice. Specially because with this he keeps gently pushing me towards my purpose. There were a few places that he told me that I should definitely go to and I went (trusting the Nodal contact and strong potential for spiritual growth) without getting disappointed. I fought to overcome the unsociable life that I’ve been having here since I arrived. He somehow brought me out of my self absorbed healing process by being himself, without pushing me. Without even knowing what he was doing to be honest. Something about resonance, the resonance between who he naturally is and the point representing my direction towards growth.

I can really see the lunar and Gemini flavour in this situation. Since I decided to come out from my cocoon this big shift happened and I’ve been socialising and networking a lot. I’m getting quite a few clients for astrological readings and I even got a student that is paying for private lessons!

How truly amazing. Really. I cannot stretch how much we should all look out for interaspects between inner planets and the North Node in synastry. It feels like a real blessing. The inner planet person acts like some kind of “godmother” helping you out in your path towards evolution.  You can trust that there is a special kind of bond.

 

Strange days

Since my course has finished I’ve had 2 days filled with anxious feelings about going back to the old patterns and 5 days of practicing yoga twice a day on my own. I am happy to see that somehow I’m keeping my discipline and serious attitude towards my practice. I’ve almost read a whole book (a good one) about yoga in two days which has been quite inspiring and enlightening also.

Now, after hanging out on the beach for couple of hours with a friend I notice mixed feelings about this island while looking at myself in the mirror.

My time around here has been quite intense and strange at the same time. I attributed the strangeness of my somehow lack of will to socialise to my plutonic moment. I knew from start that I came here on business and not for some frivolous time at the tantric tropical paradise.

But after today’s leisure time at the naked beach I got myself wondering if I’m not taking this place for granted. Everyone around seems to be having such a great time and at the same time so grateful to be here. I’ve been really looking forward to fly back to England (yes I’m going back as I feel that there might still be my home, even if in a different city) that sometimes I get removed from the present moment almost completely. Wrong attitude, I know. That’s why I’ve been thinking about going to a self sustainable farm in the north, get back on the road and into the present moment. I just couldn’t make up my mind yet, if I want to hitchhike on my own and go for an adventure as by now I’m running low on cash and is a long distance from here to there. I don’t know yet. I’m not sure if I just want to relax before going back or go for some rough adventurous time. We will see..

Anyways, this friend that I’ve spent some time with today has his Moon in Gemini making a tight conjunction to my North Node and I couldn’t help but watch him with some degree of admiration. His capacity for engaging with many people at the same time, the genuine curiosity. The socialising impulse that somehow I seem to have lost around here. I even thought this maybe could be explained by astrocartography and my relocated chart in Thailand that puts my social Libra Moon into the 7th house of other people. I was thinking about that and wondering how strongly a geographic place can affect you.

From Sao Paulo to London there was a noticeable increase on my sense of freedom which I very much appreciated. My ascendant changes from Scorpio to Sagittarius with my Mars/Uranus conjunction in Sag very close to the angle. It’s truly amazing the tremendous feeling of freedom and independence that I experience there. My North Node also gets pretty close to my relocated descendant and is also very noticeable the amount of fated encounters that I’ve had over there. And most of them initiated by me.

Very different from how I feel around here. With the relocated ascendant in Aries and Mars (the ruler of it) in the eighth house I can tell that most of my energy is put into deep transformation that obviously, in a very scorpionic/8th house like, includes a massive degree of intense purging and seriousness. Then somehow, perhaps by resonance, my Saturn in Scorpio gets highlighted because I totally feel the seriousness of my relationship with the emotional realm and that leaves me no time for frivolity. But then again, maybe that comes down to my plutonic time and the synchronicity of me picking a place that emphasise and is conducive to the process of change…

Out of sync

I’ve been out of sync in the last month. Definitely too much going on around here and inside me.

Tomorrow I’m finally graduating from the first level yoga course that I’ve been doing since January here in Thailand. I was pretty busy with that and with the second exact hit of transiting Pluto square to my natal Moon also taking place in January.

The first one, in March 2015, was connected with me leaving my home in London and many realisations about my mother bringing a lot of old anger back to the surface. (Also with the break up of an important relationship)

The second one had me practicing yoga twice a day for six days a week and a physical breakdown for 5 days that they call “process of purification”. There is definitely something really powerful about yoga and practicing it with awareness. I got pretty sick for those 5 days and all that I wanted was, funny enough, my mother! For the first time in years I really wanted to be with her and truly missed her care and love. I can totally see the connection there, the healing taking place while a lot of toxic energy was making its way out of my body. We spoke on Skype, me and my mother, everyday during that week like we haven’t done it in a really long time.

I’m now feeling a lot better. My mind is much more clearer and lucid than when I arrived in the island. A lot less emotional clutter, even my body is lighter as I’ve lost some weight with the combination of yoga and the sickness.

I have no doubt that I’ve made the right decision about coming here to do this course during this Pluto transit. I highly recommend to everyone having a strong Pluto transit to go for some kind of powerful detox process, a course like this or some kind of retreat. Whatever catches your attention, go for it. You won’t regret. It really helps the purging process and makes you feel a lot lighter afterwards.

This transit still an ongoing process for me, with the last and longer hit on the second half of this year. I have no idea what’s going to happen. What I know is that I’ve quit smoking and feel much lighter at the moment. Almost like a little glimpse of what could be the feeling at the end of this whole process of death and rebirth. Its exciting as well as profound and demanding. What can make a great difference is the awareness that enable you to make wiser choices to facilitate the process of purification represented symbolically by Pluto. Resisting this process isn’t the best attitude and I believe it can only make things more painful. The amount of resistance equals the necessary violence applied to make a change..

Mouldy peaches

I dreamt that I had missed my flight and woke up disturbed. The day started in a funny way but now it has gone from funny to frustrating at the very least. I’ve been spending most of my hours today trying to get rid of the mould that to my horror is growing everywhere in my room. It’s good that I just realised what was going on under my nose though, I think that I prevented myself from loosing most of my stuff. Man, everything had already a foul smell that somehow resembles the smell of mushrooms. Argh…

Well, with my Mercury in Virgo, this whole situation got me thinking about what Liz Greene said in one of her books (which one I can’t remember exactly now) about using daily life situations to be interpreted symbolically in the same way as with dream analysis. And suddenly I can totally see a symbolic relation between Pluto in Capricorn heading for the second square to my Moon in Libra and my mouldy room. Something that has grown in the darker corners of my (temporary) home must be dealt with! The feeling of powerlessness in the situation, the unpleasant surprise.

It also made me think about better ways of tackling the inevitable, or what could be my best conduct in this situation. For instance I could just have ignored the humidity and bad smell and in 2 months and a half I would have had the unhappy surprise of loosing everything for good, possibly including my passport that was inside my backpack. (Not considering my health also). How traumatic would that have been?

Another road is to not ignore and deal with the crap straight away. To be aware that there is no easy way out really, and the sooner I address the problem the better, for there is less mouldy material to get my hands dirty from at once. Now, considering that I’m in a shady and super humid place in Thailand I believe that the mould will keep coming out but my choice is to deal with it daily and slowly. I’m gonna take it as it comes for some things seems to be inevitable in life…

Wilderness

I’ve been meaning to write another post for a little while and because I didn’t the result is a mix and match of different ideas in one text.

First, a tip for anyone that thinks about living at a tropical paradise: beware and be ready to share your space with creatures of every sort. My first week living in this Thai island and I’ve had a few encounters that reminded me about how much life thrives in tropical weather. Almost eight years of european home and somehow I had completely forgotten that.

I had a bunch of ants mercilessly invading the cereal pack that I left on the table overnight, another big spider’s delightful visit (that one was quite huge for my standards), a little lizard surprisingly jumping on me out of a clothes rack, and the big brown spider that still sharing my room with me. I understood that the table/chair area here is hers and it seems that we have an unspoken agreement on leaving each other alone. I think I might eventually grow fond of her and start a beautiful friendship.

Then I got myself thinking, are we, human beings born and raised on tropical places, also naturally wilder than the others?  Im not sure what the answer is but I have to say that from my experience living in cold and mild England this seems to be so. Like that daring little lizard, I think that I did jump out of clothes racks onto people as well. But that’s another story.

I think is just interesting that I’m settling in a tropical place now, regarding that my natal moon is the ruler of the 9th in my chart. 9th house has to do with travels and living abroad, the moon has to do with home as well. So many memories from Brazil has been brought back to me. Obviously this is also and especially being triggered by that Pluto transit to my moon.

Another tip, for you people navigating the turbulent waters of an outer planet transit to a personal one: keep track of when the fast moving planets get involved in the picture. That’s when is more likely that something might happen or when you might be strongly in touch with the painful process of change. These days Mars made a conjunction to my moon and jeez, for two days I lost much of my perspective and capacity for detachment. I found myself clinging to what I thought I had understood and let go already. I somehow became those childish feelings and fears for 2 days. As Mars moved away, it felt like I came back to my body again. I’m in charge again and with more perspective.

This isn’t an easy process (the outer planets kind of change), but it’s vital in order to become oneself.

Its definitely a helping hand with the task of meeting the wilderness within.

Transiting me..

Alright, I thought maybe it is a good idea to write a little about transiting Pluto/Uranus over my natal Moon. (Perhaps I can get some perspective and peace of mind…)

I’m in Koh Phangan now, this is my second night here and I already got my room for the next 3 months. My tantric yoga course starts only in January but because is high season it was definitely a good idea coming earlier. Today has been my first official day here and I strangely managed to lock myself out twice. At the first time a random  guy helped me out but on the second time it was quite late and thunderstorming outside. I was surprised to notice the rush of fear running down my spine in such a silly situation. Of course, after struggling a little and almost falling out of the window, I found my way in again. Then, as I am talking to myself and recovering from the apparently “scary” situation I’m yet on another dreadful one: big brown spider inside the room. Obviously I couldn’t kill it and the creature is still roaming somewhere under my bed (hopefully staying down there).

I’m mentioning these two happenings in this post because is clear how much under powerful transits to our natal Moon the challenge of facing our childish fears becomes evident. In other words the challenge of becoming a self sufficient being. Mommy won’t protect you. The realisation that seeking mother under what seems a threatening situation isn’t appropriate anymore. You have to do it yourself. And more than that, also the realisation that many of those fears does not belong to you in first place. I thought about my mom when facing the spider, but my thoughts were really about how much she would be scared in my situation. About how much she is terrified of insects, and I could almost hear her voice in my head.

The process of separation from the “womb”state with mother is really a hard one and we all have issues with that. Without addressing those issues it is simply impossible to forge healthy emotional connections and relationships. And that’s where these powerful transits (by that I mean transits from Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and Pluto) reflect an opportunity for all of us, an opportunity to work on our mother issues and patterns of emotional dependency. If we take it as an opportunity, rather than focus on the emotional pain that usually is triggered during these times, we can do our best and work on ourselves, then, and only then, we can hope to have a relationship that is not based on fulfilling our childish needs. Equality is then a possibility.