Yesterday I went for drinks at what I used to call a “cool pub in Peckham”.
I could not help but keep watching other people’s behaviour with a sense of total disconnection, just like I used to feel when I was much younger and had started going out to nightclubs.
Everything around me seemed so shallow and soulless. People getting drunk and behaving with uncontrollable compulsion.
I somehow could feel the desperate longing for fulfilment, for imediate happiness at all costs. Everything surrounds this search, even the huge amounts of makeup on women’s faces trying to hide away insecurities for not looking like the girl in the magazine.
I was again sensing how much in main stream society people are trained and expected to feed more and more the false self. To seek things that don’t have real value to the real Self.
I felt how much I don’t belong. How much I’ve never did.
I was wandering for a bit, trying to spot someone different and exciting to have a chat with but without success. Everyone really seemed immersed in their city lives.
Work, money, smart phones, putting up with unlikable routines because that’s just “normal”. Wedding rings, fashionable clothes and shaky hands holding the cigarette that appears to hold the confidence of some. Appearances…and awkwardness behind huge amounts of alcohol.
I’m still cracking the eggshell of my new life, of the new me. I don’t feel the despair I did, when Pluto squared my Moon for the first time, in March last year when I blew my London life up without flinching.
I am more centered, more calm and solid. More certain that that was not the way to go for me. That a life based on appearances and compulsions won’t be much of a life to me.
But yesterday hanging out at that incredibly noisy and lousy environment I felt that pain again. The pain of being isolated, without a supportive community of like minded people. The pain of rejection.
At least with my current gypsy life of uncertainty and search I’ve had had a taster of how it feels to belong and to truly share with people.
I’ve had moments of grace singing and dancing mantras to Shiva, moments of warmth sharing cups of tea around the fire, moments of bliss observing nature’s wonderful beauty and simplicity. Moments of inspiration in the arms of so many genuine hugs that I’ve had the honor to experience on the road.
I think this post is more of a thank you.
I am grateful to the pain of separation that has thrown me into what seems to be my true path.