I’m sitting at the kitchen table staring at my coffee cup.
Pluto has been retrograde since April the 18th, and as it moves closer and closer to making a third perfect square to my natal Moon I can hear the drums of death, once again, getting louder and louder.
I can recognise that feeling too well.
I can recognise that pool of dark feelings starting to overflow inside me once more.
The sadness of not belonging. Irrational feelings of loneliness and abandonment. The fear of never experiencing how it feels to be truly loved by someone else. The sadness of realising that perhaps you have never been loved for who you are.
The fear that perhaps there is a reason for that. (Your own makings)
Looking at myself in the mirror and facing the terror of perhaps not having anything to offer, of being terribly hollow under all of this gooey stuff that keeps coming up from inside.
I will never forget the intensity of fear I felt back in March 2015 when the first square from Pluto to my Moon was perfected. (It was actually the last exact Pluto/Uranus square in the sky that was picking up my natal Moon to the degree.)
It has been quite a journey.
At that time I quit my job at a cafe (that I could not stand anymore) and I left my house (that I had shared with my brother and another close friend for many years) without having anywhere else to go really.
It was intense. It has been very intense ever since. (With my rising in Scorpio it’s always all or nothing.)
Now, over a year later, I‘m still “homeless” and without a steady income. I still don’t know where home is in a physical sense.
But things inside me have already changed so much.
And I know they are still changing.
I guess there is still inevitably a lot of death to come. A lot of purging and growing. A whole load of tears just waiting to be released.
I don’t know what is going to be happening this time. I don’t really have any clear plans other than going to Brazil for couple of months (no idea when exactly as I have no money) and then back to Thailand again for a few months too.
But at least now I have my yoga practice to keep me centered.
I’ve been doing yoga everyday in the morning. And if I feel any intense emotions like anger or sadness I do more yoga.
I’m learning how to move my energy, how to use strong emotions as fuel for spiritual growth.
So bring it on Pluto,
I’ll be facing the challenges head on.