Toiletroom

by with 2 Comments Astrology and meInner lifeSearch for homeTrip

How amazing.

I’m laying down on the floor of a tiny little room beside the toilet at my friend’s house. The boiler is in this place and keeps making quite a bit of noise every now and then.

There is a broken chair and some of my stuff spread around.

A bag filled with books, a backpack and a big box containing a random selection of my belongings that I’ve picked up yesterday at my brother’s house.

The last time I saw these box was when I moved out back in March 2015. It feels like having a little treasure really. I had forgotten a lot of those things and it was a joy yesterday to have them in my hands again.

Never mind that though, I’m not so much into the material side of things. Things are just things. They’re replaceable.

What I want to state here is my feeling of appreciation for this piece of floor in this tiny room (while Pluto goes direct!). The old me would not be able to even conceive myself being relax and feeling secure in a situation like this one right now.

And right now I just feel so grateful for being able to sleep alone again…

Lately I’ve been craving my own company so much that I would rejoice in the toilet for having the feeling of aloneness between 4 walls..

(And speaking about that, someone just used the toilet as I was writing this post and the smell is pretty bad here now..)

Updates of plutonian times..

by with 2 Comments Astrology and meInner lifeSearch for homeTrip

I’m hanging out at my friend’s kitchen now.

As usual he has woken me up at 7:30 am with his idiosyncratic routine. He is renting both of the bedrooms in the flat so we share the living room when I’m around.

I’m back in London again. I’m still traveling quite a bit even though I’m just getting more and more tired of it.

Last week I was at the forest of Dean which was lovely.

The man I’ve been seeing came to visit me and again we had an intense fight on the third day that we spent together. That’s also the third time this happens.

The Venus square Neptune part of my psyche really can’t seem to be able to discriminate and see this relationship clearly.

On one hand he challenges me a lot, which is great. I’ve never been with a guy who would confront me like he does. On another hand our encounters are becoming very stressful when we fight (even though we also share intense positive moments) and I can’t help but think that perhaps I would be better off on my own.

Since Pluto started transiting my natal Moon I’ve gone through so much strife and crisis. So much destruction has happened and now I just feel like rebuilding myself. Moving into my new home, focusing on saving up some money to buy myself a laptop again (pretty hard to keep writing on this small tablet.), sticking up to a good daily routine.. loving myself…

I’m also sure that he is a manifestation of this transit as I’ve met him when Pluto was retrograde making the third exact square to my moon in July.

Old manipulative tecniques, emotional blackmail, victimisation.. old unconscious patterns of relating in general don’t feature in my interaction with this man.

It doesn’t work. (Not that I consciously want them to work)

He always challenges and questions my communication a lot. He has Venus in Scorpio in the third house and is a lot more direct and talkative than most Scorpio in Venus men that I’ve been with in the past.

He is currently at a 10 day meditation retreat and we agreed not to talk to each other for those days.

Today I’m officially counting down the days to move in to my new bedroom in Bristol. 7 days to go. (And Pluto will be direct when that happens..)

Saturn is also making a trine to my MC and I’ve had a few unexpected requests for astrology work. That’s truly great because I’m not putting much of my energy into my passion at the moment (domestic issues are feeling more urgent with this Pluto/Moon stuff)  so I can only imagine how it will be when I do focus on my work.

Internally I already feel different though. More confidence is available as I’m stepping more and more into my inner authority without feeling scared.

Empowerment.

Also yesterday I did my first head stand.

I’ve been patiently and slowly working towards that since January. I wanted to do it with control and equilibrium rather than by throwing my legs against the wall.

Respect the timing..

(This also works as a symbolic reflection of all the work that I’ve been doing on myself with those multiple transits in the last few years..)

Eclipses/plutonian whine..

by with 3 Comments Astrology and meInner lifeSearch for home

It seems like ages since the last time I wrote.

I’ve tried moving to Bristol already but somehow it didn’t work.

A lot has happened since August 17th (which I’m not going to explain here right now) including being one of the chosen girls to move in that lovely house on Gratitude road. I’m very happy about that but I am only moving in on 1st of October

So obviously I still have to deal with a lot of intense emotions while Pluto squares my natal Moon in retrograde motion now. (It really seems like every time that an outer planet is in retrograde motion hitting one of my natal planets the urge to act is there but I can’t quite do it)

I feel a lot of pressure building up and I really cannot stand being homeless anymore.

There is a lot of intense emotions mixed up with profound insights but without a place to be the container for me to concentrate and work with them is very hard.

I have people around me most of the time and as much as I love helping/listening/healing them all, I am fucking sick of everyone at the moment.

I feel drained.

Everyone has got issues, patterns, bad habits and stuff that I really don’t want to be dealing with 24/7. I’m tired of being the psychologist in exchange for a couch or a floor to sleep on. I’m tired of socialising, tired of giving myself off constantly. I am sick of being the container for other people’s projections..

I just wanna be alone to cultivate and increase my energy.

I want to have space to practice my yoga everyday at the same time, a space to conserve my focus and discipline without having to compromise.

I long for a place where I can profoundly connect with my inner life again. Feel my inner seasons, watch the trees through the window with a silent sense of understanding and stillness, just like I used to do when I had a home.

I want to be able to focus on myself entirely without being judged or interrupted by others. I need a break from this too “masculine” world of productivity.

I need air to just be.

 

Confessions of a transformed Libra Moon..

by with 13 Comments Astrology and meInner lifeSearch for home

This is my second official morning in Bristol.

I’ve managed to start moving here even though I still haven’t found a home yet.

Got on a train on Wednesday with my backpack, a suitcase and my bicycle and it was very nice to see a few people really keen on offering me a hand. The world is full of good people.

Then on the same day I went to check a potential home and really enjoyed it. It just felt right. Even the name of the street: Gratitude Road. Love it.

They have a nice garden in the back where they used to grow some veggies but now is mostly overgrown nasturtium. She seemed happy when I told her that I have a bit of experience with gardening. She is Taurus and also on a spiritual path.

So then my uncertainty about the room that I had checked previously just grew.

Strange situation.

When I came here straight after Buddhafields I had the opportunity to go and see a house. I knocked on the door and when the woman opened it and invited me in, the first thought that crossed my mind was a clear and loud no.

I don’t know why I didn’t listen to it from the beginning.

Suddenly I was caught in the middle of the whole (bizarre) agency bureaucratic process when I still wasn’t even sure if I wanted to move in. I wasn’t completely sure that that was my home to be.

Anxiety over the referencing process. Somehow, in a strange way, they make you feel like a criminal. Checking this, checking that.

The whole thing was just making me feel very uncomfortable and a little scared of coming back to a “normal” life in society. I sent couple of emails that didn’t get any response, from the agency as well as one of the potential house mates.

No clear communication. No real connection or appreciation. Only a business like thing going on.

Big lesson to me about not allowing myself to get wrapped up in situations anymore. (perhaps my neptunian side combined with the Libra moon?)

Then yesterday I had to finally speak up my truth.

An email was sent to the agency (still without a response) and another one to the potential house mate.

It was really hard to let these people down, but I couldn’t sign a contract and move in somewhere only because I didn’t want to disappoint others. She straight away replied to me fairly aggressive, saying that I would have to deal with the “very bad karma that you have just generated” and also saying that I don’t have integrity.

My intuition was confirmed and I felt relieved that I didn’t sign the contract.

Everyone that knows me a little bit knows how much integrity is important to me.

I still replied a very nice email apologising again and explaining that it was out of integrity with them and integrity with myself that I wasn’t going to move in because it didn’t fell right.

I can see how my Moon in Libra’s unconscious reactions, (to be a people pleaser for instance), is being challenged now. I can see how much I really need to be liked and how that need has driven me to almost move in with people that I didn’t truly feel connected.

(After all the trouble that I went through in order to find and to relate with like minded people!)

I’m very proud of myself though. Proud of being able to say no. And I am Happy to see myself becoming more and more authentic.

So I will end this post with a positive message.

After lots and lots of suffering and dealing with toxic emotional junk that was lingering on my psyche, during the last hit of transiting Pluto to my moon I can already see how much I’ve changed for better. I feel lighter and much more able to be truthful to my essence.

I am not here to make everyone like me as there is no point in being appreciated by compromising your truth.

I still make an effort to be nice to people because that’s a strong part of my nature, but without betraying my essence.

Is a pity if you don’t like me, but life goes on.

Astrodance of synchronicity

by with One Comment Astrology and meSearch for home

It’s so interesting to observe how the planetary movements do symbolically reflect what goes on.

Cycles within cycles.

For the brief moment that transiting Pluto popped into my 3rd house I started discovering what a real pleasure blogging is. I felt inspired by so many ideas and the whole process of publishing and feeling acknowledged as well.

What a delight to be read by other people.

To feel heard and to be able to share thoughts and feelings.

Then, as Pluto went retrograde and backwards into my second house, my focus has naturally switched back into practical matters.

My new job and the potential for making a more consistent amount of money after at least 5 years of living on a very low budget. The house hunting (yes it is also making the last square to my natal Moon) and the prospect of settling down again, even if just for a few months.

I’m gonna have my own space again!

Put up my pictures on the wall, light up incenses and candles, create my sacred space.

Yesterday I’ve given a reading to a client and at the end was left baffled.

This is one of the things that I really love about astrology, it never bores me. It’s just amazing how much precious information can be accessed and how accurate most of the time.

And how in tune with personal cycles.

And I’m becoming less and less inclined to believe that the planets are “doing” something to us.

We are one and the same, what happens up there is synchronised with the inside here.

No blame and no victims.

Only a beautiful dance of the same elements in different scales..

My gratitude to Hades..

by with 3 Comments Astrology and meInner lifeTrip

I’m back to London feeling tremendously happy and grateful.

Not because I’m in London but because I’ve had a magical time at the festival.

I can hardly believe how amazing I am feeling during this third hit from transiting Pluto to my Moon.

(Thank you to some of you that contacted me saying that now it would not be as painful, I think you are right, having experienced 2 hits previously does make a big difference I guess!)

I’ve met so many good people and felt so much at home over there.

I also (surprisingly) did a talk on astrology during the festival that went well and made me feel alive. The opportunity served as a confirmation of my decisions as well.

The more I become myself, the more I’m on the right path and able to listen to my true call.

It was beautiful!

On top of that I got a message from my friend who is opening a cafe in Bristol confirming that it is happening in about a month and that he wants me to be the manager.

I’m soon moving to the city I wanted to live in for a while and will be able to rebuild myself financially while helping someone that I really like. Someone that values myself for who I am and appreciates my work.

Amazing.

And then, towards the end of the festival, I’ve met someone new.

It was magical.

It felt so good to hang out with someone older and more emotionally mature. Someone that seems to be committed to self growth and spirituality as much as I am.

It was beautiful.

We went to Bristol together for a few days (that’s where he is from!!!) And I had a truly beautiful time.

For some reason I had totally forgotten how it is when someone really values you and your company.

He made a point in reminding me.

With previous lessons on my natal Venus square Neptune, I am keeping my feet on the ground this time.

Never mind the future.

At the start of my third Pluto/Moon experience I’m just gratefully contemplating what seems to have happened as a big leap.

A leap of consciousness being reflected by outer reality..

 

Travels of a progressed Moon in Sagittarius..

by with 5 Comments Astrology and meSearch for homeTrip

I feel a warmth in my heart. Excitement.

I’m all set to travel again, this time I’m heading to Taunton in Devon to work at another summer festival.

Since my progressed moon entered Sagittarius in February last year packing up has become a kind of routine. By now I think that I’ve developed the most effective way of packing everything I need in my backpack. It’s amazing!

And somehow being constantly on the road really feels like home to me! (I’m also a life path number 5 in numerology)

Anyways, this festival is meant to be a very especial one that I haven’t been to yet. It’s called Buddhafield  :), and as the name already says, it is a spiritual one. (without drugs or alcohol being sold)

By experience, it is great to be with a crowd that tries getting their kicks from spiritual work rather than drugs. (nothing against alternate states of consciousness induced by substances when not done on a daily basis)

While I’m there, in a week or so, Pluto is going to go down to 15 degrees again and make the third exact square to my moon.

I hope I have some kind of breakthrough hanging out there. Perhaps a feeling of being at home, even if temporary, leads me further in my path. (which is becoming more and more connected with spirituality)

Fingers crossed and a positive mindset.. ♡

Pre Pluto-Moon destruction..

by with One Comment Astrology and meInner lifeSearch for home

I was thinking about writing a post with more focus on astrological stuff but at the moment I just can’t.

I’m feeling a massive rush of strange emotions that are preventing me from sending energy into my rational faculties..

(I can’t or perhaps I just don’t want to be too analytical now.)

Five minutes ago I was taking a look at my 2016 ephemeris and with agony seeing (again) that Pluto will shortly be squaring my natal moon to the exact degree for the 3rd time. Feeling anxious to see (not that I haven’t seeing it before) that Pluto will be in the same degree of my Moon for the next 6 months.

In general I do tend to be a positive type of person, always seeing pain as the side effect of growth. (just like Donna Cunningham beautifully explains on her book “Healing Pluto problems”)

But fucking hell, during the last two exact hits from transiting Pluto I had to deal with so much pain and emotional detox that I felt more than overwhelmed by it.

At the moment I don’t feel it yet (pain), but the wave of anxiety is enormous.

Restlessness and discomfort.

I remember when I watched the film “Dancer in the Dark” with Bjork. The death row scene really hit me.

That was a long time ago, I was still quite young, but I remember to think of how terrifying it probably is to know that you’re walking towards death. My palms were sweaty and I felt terribly anxious every time I watched. (I saw the movie couple of times)

This is probably the best way I can use to describe my feelings at this pre Pluto-Moon moment.

I know I’m walking towards death..

Discomfort in my stomach, sweaty palms.. and the honest knowing that there is no way it is not going to be painful.

One more time that mess of guts and blood all over the place, and me on the floor, painfully turned inside out..

Astrologicality..

by with One Comment Astrology and meInner lifeTrip

I’ve been gardening a lot in the last few days and having insights.

So much seems to have happened inside me during the month of June. The whole mutable grand cross and Mars retrograde as well reflecting some kind of inner turmoil.

The funny thing that got me thinking is the fact that since Mars stationed and went direct a few people got in touch with me requesting some astrological work.

During the last two months, while Mars was retrograde, I did worry quite a bit about having to make a decision regarding how I’m gonna be making my income. I also had many moments thinking that perhaps I would have to borrow money from someone else for the first time.

Self doubt.

This whole thing made me think about my approach to astrology.

If I was writing a forecast to someone else I would have noticed the retrograde Mars more clearly, especially if it was natally the ruler of the 6th house and Ascendant, and speak about the need to rethink actions or strategies.

Why did I forget that myself?!

One thing that somehow disturbs me is how, many times, (we) astrologers try too hard to fit the symbolism into reality.

Is the other way around of what it should be in my view.

The capacity to interpret and understand symbols should enhance our ability to make choices. It should be used to deepen our understanding of life and other people, it should somehow add complexity and not be used to oversimplify and to put people in boxes.

One of the greatest risks with the astrology of disempowerment is using it to justify some kind of behaviour or circumstance without having to take much responsibility for it.

“I’m like this because of my Mars conjunction Pluto” “I can’t do this because I’m too fiery” “I do that because I lack fire” and so on.

Is also a little like going back to the medieval mentality of praying to a “father figure” God that will punish or reward you depending on your behaviour.

Is not being able to be responsible and thoughtful about your actions and life situation.

Blame on the planets. “This is happening because Saturn is on my Ascendant”…

In my view is becoming clearer that the astrological position of the planets are reflecting your inner life.

There is no out there causing you something. We are one and the same. Perhaps we are still the result of an explosion expanding together.

It’s a dance.

I think that by trying to avoid the more passive kind of astrological interpretation I end up sometimes ignoring things like the retrograde Mars on my Ascendant.

I really feel that I need to find a good balance here..

Chironic pain

by with 2 Comments Astrology and meInner lifeTrip

I’ve had a sound day today.

A few chats about astrology and couple of people asking me for readings. It seems like Mars going back to forward motion is about to reflect me getting a bit busier with my work. (Mars rules my ascendant and 6th house)

I took a walk in the rain on my way back to where I’m staying.

That felt liberating.

Such a familiar feeling when I’m on the road. Strong sense of belonging. Lightness in my heart as I move forward.

Freedom.

Then, when I got “home” had the room for myself and the chance to catch up with sad feelings.

Feeling rejected always brings the old pain back.

And that’s when I realise that transiting chiron has just turned retrograde. It’s at 25 degrees Pisces, just one degree away from making an opposition to my Venus from my natal 5th house. (5th house is ruled by Neptune which makes a square to natal Venus..)

Disillusionment.

That is painful. But a different kind of pain, compared to the plutonian one.

This seems to be a more silent kind of pain, less dramatic. Not so much death involved, but a sense of damage beyond repair.

It’s quiet and yet profound. Pluto pain is a lot louder, it really messes you up. It cuts you open and throws your guts all over the place. Blood everywhere. Dramatic shock.

Not with chiron though.

Transiting Saturn has also been activating my natal chiron, and so has Neptune. Again, similar “chironic”/neptunian theme.

Feeling damaged and silently crying, like an orphan on mother’s day.

Then I speak with a friend, laughter. Her healthy and beautiful face fills my heart and removes me from that space.

And for now I am whole again.