The closing lightness

I’ve had an intense day today.

The opposition between Mars in Scorpio and Mercury in Taurus were bang on on my Ascendant/descendant axis.

Lots of anger coming up and issues with communication.

Anyways, cutting the story short, today in order to avoid exploding with my friend (the one I’ve been living with who’s got Mars in a tight conjunction with my Pluto) I decided to meet one of my exes.

I know it sounds a bit strange. Not even I can explain myself sometimes. (many times)

Anyways, the guy I went to see today was the one I got pregnant from on my Saturn return. The one that had a very important role in creating massive drama in my life. During that time he mistreated me in so many different ways that all of my friends didn’t like him at all. (But my Venus square Neptune insisted on seeing his good side and our spiritual connection..)

You know the story, “girl falls in love with sociopath” kind of thing.

I’m not trying to play the victim. I’m really just trying to state the facts with the detachment granted by time (the great healer of all?!) and lots of inner work.

I think that he was my 1st official broken heart, but for obvious reasons it went much deeper than that.

I hit rock bottom. I was kidnapped and raped in the underworld.

I got completely destroyed.

And today, while we were sitting on the grass I was watching his face, neck and legs from different perspectives. I was looking to those hands that I once loved so much, that somewhere in time had caused me so much pain and suffering. That I once so desperately craved the touch from.

All of that was gone.

(was it madness only? Was I possessed by some kind of demon?)

All that I could see now was a guy with lots of issues and struggles, a guy that wasn’t even attractive to me anymore.

That gave me so much food for thought on the search for my values.

(What do I really value in a relationship? What is really valuable in a partner?)

But the greatest part of encountering him today was that I finally found the closure that I’ve wanted so bad 3 years ago.

It wasn’t long or full of words. It took only a tiny moment.

It was after I told him about the intense purification (purging) that I’ve had whilst my yoga course in Thailand (that was during the 2nd square from transiting Pluto to my Moon).

I told him how surprised I was to see that, during a high fever, I was still dealing with awful feelings of guilt from the abortion 3 years ago. (Even after all the conscious suffering and intense psychotherapy)

I think that his eyes got moist, he gave me a hug and said he was sorry.

That was it.

And with that I saw the end of a chapter in my life.

And all that I could feel was the warmth in my heart with the love that I still feel for him, a different kind of love.

And gratitude.

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