Emotions

by with No Comment Inner life

I’ve just been through couple of very emotionally intense days.

Mars is retrograde making a conjunction to my Ascendant (plus the retrograde Pluto I guess) and I felt so much anger. I had forgotten how tiring it is to be angry. (I used to be angry more often when I was younger)

It’s also a bit upsetting to find yourself in those states when you are working so much towards your spiritual path. I know that there is no light without the darkness and that working with our shadow is a very important part of the process, but anger takes a lot and leaves me exhausted.

Anyways, my mother has called me again after a day to say that she is talking to my dad again and that he will be helping her. So she doesn’t need me there anymore.

Even though I’m not going anymore, just the thought of it made me purge kilos and kilos of childhood anger that was (perhaps is) still lingering somewhere in my psyche.

I was impressed by how many tears kept on coming out, and specially by the anger also towards my brother (?!) for never being there to take care of my mother in other occasions. I’ve also noticed tears of resentment (with some guilt for feeling that) for every time (not so many, but a few) that I had to be at the hospital with my mother. For being the one that had to pretend not to be suffering in order to comfort her.

Anyways, enough of that.

Yesterday we had a nice chat on the phone. In a way, the Pluto transit to my moon is also speaking about a deep change that she is going through. And she is. I felt very touched by that as we were chatting yesterday.

I hope I’m not being a bad daughter for making some space to work on my mother complex..

 

Pluto-Moon bummer 3

by with 3 Comments Astrology and meInner life

(Just need to get this out of my chest)

Unbelievable.

I’m aware of Pluto’s retrograde motion getting closer to square my natal Moon again, but I wasn’t expecting that.

I just got a phone call from my mother telling me that she broke her foot and that it will take her at least 45 days to recover (maybe). She won’t be able to do anything so obviously I am going to be the one to just drop everything down (which perhaps isn’t much anyways?) and go to Brazil to nurse her 24/7.

Unbelievable.

I cannot put in words the myriad of intense emotions that this situation has just triggered in me.

One of the big things during this Pluto transit was to realise that my mother isn’t really who I thought she was.

Most of my life, out of feminism or I don’t really know what, I’ve always bought what she told me. I was always on her side. I would always protect and help her, no matter what. I would many times be against my father or sacrifice myself in some way or another for her.

And she always told me we were friends. And I believed it. (Moon in the 11th?)

Well, things turned out to be very different than what she made me believe most of my life. (With Sun in Cancer and Moon in Pisces playing the victim can be one way of manifesting the energies..)

I somehow realised how much that “close friendship” was actcually controlling and suffocating me most of the time.

I’ve been dealing with a lot of anger and resentment for having to play her mother many times. (especially emotionally)

I don’t want that anymore! I’m aware of this dynamic now, the subtle manipulative tactics, emotional blackmail etc.

But I know that she isn’t aware. She isn’t very self aware at all.

I’m amazed to see that, after having what it seemed to be a little break from the intense crisis during the first 2 hits, as Pluto move backwards and approach my natal Moon once more, the whole “life and death”/intense emotions are back almost straight away.

And life reflect symbols that reflects life…

Reaffirming

by with 5 Comments Astrology and meInner life

This is just a very short one.

I’m at a cafe in central London just about to start working.

I’m helping Frank Clifford (amazing astrology teacher!) and Wendy Stacey (also amazing) with the Student’s Astrological Conference in exchange for watching the lectures.

Very ultra excited to be back in class after travelling so much and living in a low budget. I hope the lectures help inspiring me. (I’m sure it will)

I need some reaffirmation on my choice of going on without a “regular” job for so long. I need to feel again the certainty in what I’m doing, even if I’m penny less most of the time.

And I truly hope that this situation won’t prolong for much longer. (The living without cash part..) (well Pluto is about to finish his loooong period travelling through my second house after the last square to my  Moon, I hope that that will reflect the change!)

I have to reaffirm and trust myself.

Be no scared.

Will be back writing on what happens in the conference, new ideas or brilliant insights..

The closing lightness

by with 2 Comments Astrology and meInner life

I’ve had an intense day today.

The opposition between Mars in Scorpio and Mercury in Taurus were bang on on my Ascendant/descendant axis.

Lots of anger coming up and issues with communication.

Anyways, cutting the story short, today in order to avoid exploding with my friend (the one I’ve been living with who’s got Mars in a tight conjunction with my Pluto) I decided to meet one of my exes.

I know it sounds a bit strange. Not even I can explain myself sometimes. (many times)

Anyways, the guy I went to see today was the one I got pregnant from on my Saturn return. The one that had a very important role in creating massive drama in my life. During that time he mistreated me in so many different ways that all of my friends didn’t like him at all. (But my Venus square Neptune insisted on seeing his good side and our spiritual connection..)

You know the story, “girl falls in love with sociopath” kind of thing.

I’m not trying to play the victim. I’m really just trying to state the facts with the detachment granted by time (the great healer of all?!) and lots of inner work.

I think that he was my 1st official broken heart, but for obvious reasons it went much deeper than that.

I hit rock bottom. I was kidnapped and raped in the underworld.

I got completely destroyed.

And today, while we were sitting on the grass I was watching his face, neck and legs from different perspectives. I was looking to those hands that I once loved so much, that somewhere in time had caused me so much pain and suffering. That I once so desperately craved the touch from.

All of that was gone.

(was it madness only? Was I possessed by some kind of demon?)

All that I could see now was a guy with lots of issues and struggles, a guy that wasn’t even attractive to me anymore.

That gave me so much food for thought on the search for my values.

(What do I really value in a relationship? What is really valuable in a partner?)

But the greatest part of encountering him today was that I finally found the closure that I’ve wanted so bad 3 years ago.

It wasn’t long or full of words. It took only a tiny moment.

It was after I told him about the intense purification (purging) that I’ve had whilst my yoga course in Thailand (that was during the 2nd square from transiting Pluto to my Moon).

I told him how surprised I was to see that, during a high fever, I was still dealing with awful feelings of guilt from the abortion 3 years ago. (Even after all the conscious suffering and intense psychotherapy)

I think that his eyes got moist, he gave me a hug and said he was sorry.

That was it.

And with that I saw the end of a chapter in my life.

And all that I could feel was the warmth in my heart with the love that I still feel for him, a different kind of love.

And gratitude.

The death of powerlessness..

by with 7 Comments Astrology and meInner lifeSearch for home

I’m sitting at the kitchen table staring at my coffee cup.

Pluto has been retrograde since April the 18th, and as it moves closer and closer to making a third perfect square to my natal Moon I can hear the drums of death, once again, getting louder and louder.

I can recognise that feeling too well.

I can recognise that pool of dark feelings starting to overflow inside me once more.

The sadness of not belonging. Irrational feelings of loneliness and abandonment. The fear of never experiencing how it feels to be truly loved by someone else. The sadness of realising that perhaps you have never been loved for who you are.

The fear that perhaps there is a reason for that. (Your own makings)

Looking at myself in the mirror and facing the terror of perhaps not having anything to offer, of being terribly hollow under all of this gooey stuff that keeps coming up from inside.

I will never forget the intensity of fear I felt back in March 2015 when the first square from Pluto to my Moon was perfected. (It was actually the last exact Pluto/Uranus square in the sky that was picking up my natal Moon to the degree.)

It has been quite a journey.

At that time I quit my job at a cafe (that I could not stand anymore) and I left my house (that I had shared with my brother and another close friend for many years) without having anywhere else to go really.

It was intense. It has been very intense ever since. (With my rising in Scorpio it’s always all or nothing.)

Now, over a year later, I‘m still “homeless” and without a steady income. I still don’t know where home is in a physical sense.

But things inside me have already changed so much.

And I know they are still changing.

I guess there is still inevitably a lot of death to come. A lot of purging and growing. A whole load of tears just waiting to be released.

I don’t know what is going to be happening this time. I don’t really have any clear plans other than going to Brazil for couple of months (no idea when exactly as I have no money) and then back to Thailand again for a few months too.

But at least now I have my yoga practice to keep me centered.

I’ve been doing yoga everyday in the morning. And if I feel any intense emotions like anger or sadness I do more yoga.

I’m learning how to move my energy, how to use strong emotions as fuel for spiritual growth.

So bring it on Pluto,

I’ll be facing the challenges head on.

 

Is destiny negotiable?

by with One Comment Astrology and meInner life

Yesterday I finally decided to take a step further on forgetting and moving on from my ex lover and deleted his phone number.

Since Mars has re entered Scorpio I’ve been getting in touch with yet more buried anger towards him and the lack of communication between us.

Then the anger became bigger as I realised that actually this has been a pattern in most of my relationships and indulged in victimising for a bit.

Not fair. (still with my sense of responsibility in the background)

When there is a transit, the Mars retrograde in late Scorpio for instance, the best way for interpreting it is bringing the symbolism to the most individual level possible. That means linking up with the natal chart by understanding the conditions of natal Mars.

Any natal issues related to that planet will be brought up for you to deal with. Specially when the transiting planet is in retrograde motion (revisiting, rethinking,etc).

In my case I have natal Mars conjunct Uranus in the first house opposing Chiron in Gemini in the 7th. And guess what? I always end up getting involved with people that don’t communicate with me.

They simply don’t talk!

So many times I have written long letters explaining how I feel without any kind of deep answer. Many times without answer at all.

This whole issue got me thinking, how much can we scape from our blue print? Am I condemned to struggle communicating with partners for ever?

I believe that these questions bring up a very important issue in the astrological world, how much can we direct our energies and experience reality in a different way?

I’m always gonna be a Chiron in Gemini in the 7th house, so what could be a more consciously positive way of expressing that?

I also can’t deny my contribution with the miscommunication by expressing the Mars conjunct Uranus perhaps a little over the top sometimes.

Is it a matter of measuring then?

When we are conscious of it (which astrology can help with) we can choose how much of this energy will be expressed and in which way. We can also brainstorm what are the positive manifestations of the archetype and consciously express it.

Perhaps the pressure of a dynamic configuration will be released and the energy worked with in a more constructive way for the individual.

Perhaps that’s one of our missions as astrologers?

A thousand souls

by with One Comment Astrology and meInner life

I’ve been back in London for almost a week and the weather has been quite foul.

I don’t mind so much this weather as I quite like the introspective invitation from the greyness outside. What disturbs me a bit is being indoors for 4 days and not really spending much time on my own.

My peculiar friend has been friendlier than usual and I’ve been cooking for us most of these days. Which I do enjoy, but yesterday I somehow noticed, in a very subtle way, that I’m beginning to crave my own company.

Is funny how we can have so many souls coexisting within us. I really do enjoy company and moments of sharing (natal Moon in Libra), but doing that for 3 days without a break and I start feeling somewhat suffocated.

Thank God he is a Venus conjunct Uranus and Moon in Aquarius, so I believe he not only understands but needs his solitude very much too.

This is making me wonder, no matter how much you’re truly compatible with someone else, if you have a strong Uranus in your chart, you are always going to feel suffocated if you spend too much time together. Even if you’re just sitting quietly in the living room.

When you’re on your own your energy is free to roam. There is no container, no eye watching and giving you format. No reacting.

Such a contradiction to have couple of planets in the 12th house, Venus making a tight square to Neptune and Moon in Libra when you also have a strong Uranian energy.

My issues with boundaries summarised.

One of the beauties of astrology is that you can map out the psyche and understand a bit more of your own dualities and inner conflicts. Perhaps even find a constructive way of expressing your “thousand souls”.

Astrology helps understanding and making peace with the fact that we are not linear beings, it helps identifying our contradictions. It facilitates the relationship between the many characters coexisting in our psyches.

They can even write letters to each other in this new moon in Gemini..

Basic duality

by with 2 Comments Astrology and meInner lifeTrip

I’m back to London from the festival in Kent.

It was truly amazing and inspiring to be out there in the field for a few days and I’ve met some real nice and interesting people.

I can see myself becoming more comfortable in my own skin, reveling in my independent and self sufficient nature.

I can see the big difference from last year’s hustle when I left my life in London feeling lost and shattered (when Pluto was making the first exact square to my natal Moon) to how I am feeling now. I am definitely stronger, a lot more confident and capable of doing the things I admired in my ex lover myself.

Anyways, while living in this temporary nomadic community (that’s someone else’s accurate definition of these off grid little festivals) I was bursting with insights to write about.

One of them is about having natal Sun and Mars at odds with each other.

It’s funny, somehow I already had thought clearly about how a guy having Moon and Venus at odds would suggest a certain conflict between the kind of woman he finds attractive versus the one that is nurturing and emotionally appealing. But for some reason I didn’t connect the same principle to a woman’s chart when the Sun and Mars are involved in a more dynamic configuration.

My Sun in Virgo makes a super tight applying square to Mars in Sagittarius and I would always think about the other general characteristics connected with this symbolism. Fighting yourself, bursts of anger, a daredevil disposition, impatience, courage, etc. But I did not give enough thought on how this also applies to relationships.

I’m going through a massive transformation on how I build relationships and discovering the true motivations behind it. And by being on my own I’m having more space to observe myself in social situations.

What is it that I’m looking for? What are my true values when it comes to relating?

I used to be really moved by looks and at the festival I was observing how this tendency usually leads me to someone that I have no intellectual or energetic compatibility whatsoever. But then, on another hand, the ones I felt totally at home with and had interesting conversations, for some reason, were not appealing to me.

That made me realise that perhaps this can also be one way of expressing a Mars and Sun that fight each other in an astrological chart. It’s a basic disagreement between the two masculine archetypes in a girls chart in a similar way that is between the Moon and Venus for a guy.

How can we bring them together?

I’m not sure, but I guess that by becoming aware of the conflict we can avoid swinging from one extreme to another. One relationship that fulfills the Martian desire followed by another one that only speaks to the Sun and we are trapped in polarising without forming satisfying connections.

Also the more we take charge of our potential energies the less likely to search for someone to carry it for us.

The other is free to be himself.

Letter from Saturn in Scorpio

by with No Comment Astrology and meInner life

Dear Sir/Madam,

Is outrageous the way that people are lacking depth when it comes to connections and intimacy.

Everything is so easily replaceable nowadays that people are also becoming disposable.

Or so it seems to me.

Why use people to get over someone that you have a strong connection with?

Why so much disrespect and frivolity?

Can’t you be on your own?

Since when has love become a phoney caricature?

A commodity?

Just like a piece of cheap furniture that you conveniently buy in order to be replaced as soon as you get bored and need a bit of a change?!

What is love to you?

To me, in order to experience a deep love you have to be unflinching. Is about knowing what you want and standing up for it. And when you don’t get it, being able to sit with your pain without running away from it.

Is also about being emotionally honest with yourself.

That deep kind of love won’t happen until you have some auhenticity and decide to be truthful to yourself.

It won’t happen until you have the guts to face your demons.

How can there be real intimacy if you cannot face your fears by yourself?

How can you be the container for another person’s shadow if you’re avoiding looking into the mirror?

Don’t be shallow, have some depth.

Only soulful connections are worth making.

Yours faithfully,

Saturn in Scorpio.

Quick one

by with 6 Comments Inner life

I just came here for a quick one.

The full Moon in Sagittarius was bang on my nodal axis and I was really flooded with ideas to write about (my north node is in Gemini). Unfortunately, I haven’t got much time so won’t be able to go too deep into anything.

Tomorrow I’m heading to another off grid festival, this time in Kent. I feel quite excited. It seems that the Sagittarian mood has contaminated me with a thirst for adventure. A feeling that I can recognise too well.

It feels like a little break from the heaviness of Pluto transiting my Moon.

It’s been 3 months since I’m back in England and I still haven’t seen my ex lover (the one that had an important role during these transits from Pluto and Uranus to my natal Moon). It seems that I’m finally getting over my obsession for him, or rather for what he represented to me.

I feel the need for freedom screaming louder inside my chest.

It’s funny how sometimes we can fall for an idea of someone rather than the actual person. In the last year I think that I’ve been relating more to a character that he has woken up inside myself than to him.

I’m beginning to free myself from a mental cage and starting to reclaim my power back from my own delusions.