Layers of meaningfulness

One of my greatest discoveries about astrology happened when transiting Neptune was opposing my natal Mercury couple of years ago. It happened when I could not concentrate to read one single sentence in a book but was having astrological lectures through my dreams instead. Obviously, as expected with Neptune’s symbolism, it took me sometime to clarify and understand this new way of interpreting the symbols.

I was listening to some samba just now, a traditional kind of music from Brazil that I rarely listen to. To be honest with you, and that’s how I started to wonder, I rarely listen to any brazilian music at all. Not that I don’t like it. Brazilian music is pretty good. But there is something about the national identity that has always bugged me and since I’ve left Brazil eight years ago I’ve been somehow avoiding it altogether.

I guess that my Uranic nature never felt like truly belonging anywhere, but specially to a culture that has strongly been based, between other frivolous things like carnaval and football, in the sexual objectification of women.

That macho culture, perhaps present in most Latin countries, has always annoyed me tremendously. I didn’t want to be part of that and leaving the country seemed like a great relief. I could finally be myself. I could finally be free to interact in any way that I felt like with people from everywhere else in the world.

That was grand, but at the same time, when I look back, I think that with the urge of freeing myself from the caveman’s culture I sort of lost a precious connection with my roots.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still not a big fan of nationalism. But there is something important connected with where we come from that perhaps can also give us a hand in the search for ourselves. I am not my country or plainly my nationality, but there are certain things that I grew up on that still speaks to my soul.

Im only mentioning it, now we get to the astrological point, because I totally see this as part of the Pluto transit to my Moon. There are so many different layers to it.

It’s amazing how astrological symbolism works with layers and layers of meanings.

Pluto is transiting my second house, it has a lot to do with changing completely the way that I make my money and, on a deeper level, transforming my sense of self worth. Pluto is making a square to my Moon in Libra, yes, it also has a lot to do with leaving compulsive, childish and less desirable traits that would come out in relationships. I am developing yet another level of self reliability and independency, maybe after that I can truly hope for partnerships based in equality. The Moon is also connected with mother and I’ve been dealing with my mother complex big time. My Moon is also in the eleventh house, one of the strong themes with this transit has been the search for a community of like minded people that can give me a sense of belonging. Then my Moon rules the ninth house and I have been traveling quite a bit in search for home.

Perhaps the second half of this year will have something to do with me going to Brazil for a little. Maybe I need to revisit and reconnect with my roots. Find that part of myself, the brazilian part.

I don’t know about that. What I really know, and wanted to make a point in this post, is that astrological symbolism has many levels and we should always keep that in mind I think. If we are too ready to interpret a transit or aspect or whatever for ourselves or clients we are bound to miss a lot of potential important information.

I see the astrologer’s work as translation but also as detective work. We need to do our best to stretch out the symbolism as much as we can in order to see the bigger picture. In order to help people finding their bigger picture.

The weight of Saturn

After the personal reminder of yesterday I feel the urge to write about something that more people could resonate with. Something that could work as a reminder also, but for many people this time.

So during my last reading I had my client asking me how important was the Saturn return and what was that about.

Well, very much.

I always say to my clients that it is only after the Saturn return (when transiting Saturn is back in the same position that it was at the moment of birth) that astrologers consider the individual to be leaving teenagehood behind and heading towards becoming an adult. I’m not sure if every astrologer believe that, but I definitely do. And I also want you to keep in mind that it all comes down to individuals as well. I’ve seen people that, even many years after their Saturn return, were still struggling with taking responsibility for themselves.

I like seeing transits as opportunities. When certain parts of your chart are being activated, by transit or progression, is like there is an extra amount of energy available for you to work with. The more aware you are of the possibilities of manifestation according to your personal blueprint, more able to refine those principles for the better.

That’s empowerment.

The question isn’t when your Saturn return is going to be over. The real question is what this Saturn return is about personally to me and how can I work constructively with that. (This question can actually be asked every time you have an important transit from Uranus, Neptune and Pluto also.)

To find the personal meaning you have to analyse where that Saturn is in the astrological chart. What house? What sign? What aspects does it do to other planets or points in that person’s horoscope?

Saturn stands for boundaries, limitations, reality. It also has a resonance with solidity and sturdiness. One of the definitions of responsibility is the ability to respond to life’s challenges, and this is the core line in any transit from Saturn. Specially the Saturn return, when all of the dreams and visions that were healthily experienced in our twenties are brought into check. We feel the weight of responsibility. We realise that we won’t be able to do everything that we thought about doing it, the filmmaking, becoming a scuba diving instructor, travel the world on a horse…and the list goes on. Those dreams were important during that phase of life when we are still experimenting in order to know who we are.

By the time Saturn returns, we feel the weight of responsibility through our decisions. We know that life is somehow becoming serious. We’ve got to optimise our energies investing in what is truly important for us.

Having to face our saturnian fears during the return is a great part of the process. The process of standing on our own feet.

I’ve seen someone with Saturn in  the third house who had never read a book in his entire life facing the challenge of writing a theses in another language in order to get a master.

I’ve seen someone with Saturn in Libra in the 12th going through the hard break up of a long term relationship during his return.

There are many more examples.

What makes the difference is the attitude when taking up the challenge.

Those who did it head on, taking responsibility for themselves, somehow have succeeded in the real challenge of becoming more solid as an individual.

Reminder

Mostly I’m writing this post now as a reminder to myself.

I’m in Clapham Common having a coffee at the place I used to work before leaving everything behind. I actually just finished my second coffee. I really shouldn’t have done this as I’m now feeling a bit hyper. At the yoga school coffee is one of the things they tell you to quit.

I’m having my period in about a week, (I’ve been having my period around the full moon for quite a while), and feel strange. My PMS isn’t nearly as strong as it used to be before consistently practicing yoga like I’ve been doing everyday for the past 2 months and a half, but I can still feel it. The practice of yoga is not only decreasing my levels of PMS, but also providing me with detachment. That is truly great. Is like I can, instead of just becoming instantly possessed by it, stare at the more destructive parts of myself in the face.

Anyways, the more infantile part of me, the one that was desperately in love with that young man over a year ago, has been actively throwing emotions at me today. I’m still quite centered though. I’m not necessarily felling cheerful, but I’m peaceful.

This situation reminds me of the realisation I’ve had after coming back from Bristol last week.

The Pluto transit to my Moon is still an ongoing process, with the longest hit taking place pretty much during the whole second half of this year. I don’t like predictions and I strongly believe that thoughts create reality, but after I came back from Bristol I realised that my confusion and search for home is still going to linger on for a bit longer. The feeling of contentment and belonging that I’ve had during my last two weeks in Thailand whilst being super busy with astrology was just a taster. It was just a preview of, more or less, how my life can be once Im done with all of the detox and transformation expected from an intense plutonic time.

I feel that I really need to keep reminding myself of that in order to work constructively with whatever is being born within me. And the transit is perhaps only a reflection.

I like to think like that. I believe it to be more empowering and helpful in the cultivation of patience, a fundamental virtue in the process of maturation.

Energy work

My excitement needs a post to be registered.

Back in London again and had a pretty sound day today.

Later on, after almost 2 weeks that I’ve been back in the UK, I finally felt like contacting my ex lover. The one that played an important part in all of these changes that I’ve been making since last year. The one that was so hard to forget during this whole time of intense turbulence.

I guess I am very happy to have spoken to him just now. Happy to have shared a few of my thoughts and feelings about my life now.

But mostly I’m truly excited about putting in practice what I’ve learnt at the yoga course.

When I called him my heart was wildly pumping. It was amazing to see the effect that he still somehow has over me. There is this crazy amount of emotional intensity in this connection and that always felt quite uncomfortable to me, as well as somehow irresistible. Both my Pluto and Saturn are in Scorpio and as much as I praise and seek an intense emotional exchange and intimate connection with someone, I also dread that.

I could never ignore the fact that our composite Moon is tightly conjunct to Pluto.

There was, and it seems like there is still, a lot of powerful emotions being generated by our interaction. The difference now is knowing how to use that mainly as, quite literally, a generator. A generator of a kind of energy that can be harnessed for spiritual growth. Straight after my first attempt calling him and feeling those strong feelings I just did some of the yoga postures and breathing exercises for sublimation of energy. Basically I did the exercises that were designed to send the flow of energy from the lower chakras to the higher ones.

It worked pretty well I think.

When we actually spoke on the phone I was quite centered and did not lose the focus on myself. Amazing. This is precious knowledge for someone like me, someone that tend to feel things quite intensely. Especially when it comes to a love affair.

I think that finding ways to help reclaiming our power is crucial in the process of self realisation.

I feel content.

 

Searching for home part 2

I’m in Bristol now.

I arrived here yesterday to meet a potential house mate. The add seemed lovely, an older woman who is an energy worker as well as an astrologer looking for 2 more people to share a farm house. Big garden to grow vegetables and pretty spacious house.

One big let down though, too far away and difficult to get to Bristol City centre without a car. I didn’t even go to meet her once I realised the massive pain to get there by public transport.

It didn’t work out but I’m okay with that. It’s good to be here and allow myself time to feel the city, or perhaps to rather give me time to allow feeling myself in this city.

I’ve been officially homeless for a year now.

Exactly one year ago the last Uranus-Pluto square that was perfected in the sky happened at 15 degrees, same degree as my natal Moon. On 12th of March 2015, when Mars was also conjoining Uranus in the sky, I was packing up and selecting the stuff that potentially could still be part of my new life.

I was terrified and shattered at the same time. The intensity of emotions that I felt during that time was truly overwhelming. It sounds contradictory, but I remember to be feeling blind and numb by the powerful intensity.

I also remember the first few steps that I took once I left the house with my backpack. A brief moment of clarity, freedom and certainty. Yes, I was shortly thrown back into the darker feelings aroused by such changes in life. But those few minutes were somehow crucial to keep me on track. To help me build the courage needed in order to leave stagnant comfort zones behind.

One year has gone by and my sense of Self has increased tremendously. I’ve always knew that projecting my identity and safety into outer things, like relationships or material stuff, wouldn’t work for me. Consolidating your sense of security into yourself feels right and I’m already experiencing moments of solid balance as a reward.

(I’ve had more to write in this post but got interrupted by my friend and somehow feels like a pretense to continue without the feelings of that moment..)

Pluto-Mars dialogue

I’ve been trying to avoid writing posts with too much information about my private life but damn it, that’s impossible really. I realised that for me is too hard to put my energy into something that I can’t relate to in a more personal level.

Couple of days ago I was thinking and wrote a post about the tightest interaspect between my natal chart and my current flat mate/friend. About how much I could already kind of sense that energy even if in a more subtle form.

Well, yesterday I think that there was already an episode related to the manifestation of that energy. After watching a movie together and getting sort of close but also repelling each other in a strange way, we started to chat. I’ve been aware of this feeling of attraction and repulsion already for a while, and used to feel the repulsion a lot since we’ve met around 3 years ago.

I’m the Pluto so I was trying to understand his view on what was happening but mostly through bringing it down to his past experiences. I think that the fact that both of us have our Moon in air signs sort of help keeping a little detachment and being able to talk about it. He was quite reserved and didn’t reveal much about his story but I could sense a huge degree of complexity under the surface.

This whole thing actually made me wonder, without pushing away my responsibility over my feelings, if the irritation and anger I’ve always felt towards him doesn’t have to do with the fact that my Pluto is in the 12th house and I can naturally tap into people’s darker side? Anger has a strong resonance with sexual frustration and I did sense that in the undercurrents while we were talking last night.

Today I felt a bit weird about the whole thing because unusually he woke up quite late and I had to constantly fight feelings of being on his way in the morning.

Then consequently I felt homeless again. Is hard not to have your own space when you get so easily enmeshed with other people’s stuff.

This got me a bit down during most of the day and going to Clapham Common didn’t help much also. I went to do some child minding with the boys (which I truly adore) I took care for couple of years. It was great to see them again, but hanging out in that area really brought me some painful memories from my Saturn return.

One day I’ll write about that.

I also found out that the boys family is coincidentally moving to Pangbourne, the small place where my ex lover is from. That too brought me painful memories.

Which reminds me to charge forward. Looking back doesn’t feel good now. And to not forget that I made a commitment with myself not to play the therapist/astrologer for a lover ever again.

We have to meet half way.

 

Libran refinement

I’m having a cup of tea on my own while evaluating my process of change.

I think that its good to be aware of all the pain and struggle during a Pluto transit, but keeping perspective is equally important. Being able to have at least a glimpse of who you are becoming and seeing the improvement is paramount for honestly managing the pain without suppressing it or feeling lost in depression.

Filling up your lungs with the fresh air available in the newly uncluttered parts of your psyche feels really good.

I think I’ve always had the tendency to seek relationships compulsively. Being in a partnership is nurturing for the Moon in Libra. We feel comfortable sharing. We feel stronger when mirrored by someone else’s eyes.

Obviously there is more to it, but nevertheless romantic relationships tend to be extremely important for the wellbeing of libran moon individuals.

And I spent most of my youth being in relationships. In a very unconscious manner I would always find a way to be in a partnership, even if I wasn’t in love or truly passionate about the other person. Somehow it felt better to “have” someone rather than to be on my own. I think that because the Moon has a resonance with our unconscious behaviour and mother (our sense of safety) it was easier for me to go along with the Libran shadow even though many other parts of my psyche were screaming for independency and self sufficiency.

It’s been a while since I’ve been in a serious relationship. I’ve had many flings (many) and fell in love a few times in the last five years. But it was only with Pluto/Uranus transiting my Moon in March last year that I got the real kick on my butt with the failure of what seemed to be a very important connection to me.

I felt desperately lost and sad. Well yeah, by that point I was already dealing with something much bigger than the blowing up of yet another one of my illusions (I’m also a Venus square Neptune). I was terrified to be leaving my comfort zone behind (when I was leaving my home in London). I was dealing with all of the infantile fears represented by that Pluto transit to my Moon. Nobody was going to take care of me. (even though I was already taking care of myself by myself very well) I was dealing with issues of emotional dependency.

I have been traveling and moving around quite a bit ever since and as a consequence, and by choice really, I’ve been alone most of this time.

For the first time in my life I consciously don’t want to have a relationship. And for the first time I feel very okay with my aloneness. I think that only by facing the challenges of not having any validation from someone else I am honestly becoming aware of my potentials as an individual, aware of my true values when it comes to partnerships and more conscious of who I really am. My sense of self is becoming stronger and sturdier.

I believe that is only by going through this process that equality in relationships is possible. And equality is one of the best manifestations of the Libra archetype.

But how can you give yourself to someone else when you don’t own yourself in first place?

 

Relational alchemy

I’m back in London now.

I did write a post on my way to Bangkok but for some reason it was lost and out of frustration I refused to write another one. That bit of the journey and it’s thoughts are gone. Never mind that.

So I’m back in London  now. England still does feel like home to me and, call me crazy, I do appreciate the English weather. And also its beautiful nature. I’m still not sure about where is home but somehow, as I expand, this question is getting less and less urgent. It sounds cliché, but I do feel the truth in the saying that home is where you put your heart into.

I feel peaceful.

The last square from Pluto to my moon was very powerful, as we would expect it to be, but the intense practice of yoga was fundamental to my new sense of inner peace and solidity right now. I’m so glad I took that step. So much purging has happened. I feel lighter and more solid at the same time.

I’m now at a friends house in South London and thinking about synastry. I have a few interesting interaspects with him and can’t help but observe how I feel them to manifest in our interaction.

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two substances: if there is any reaction both are transformed.” This is one of my favorite quotes by Carl Jung and it always makes me think about how synastry works.

In synastry I find that the tightest interaspect, as well as the double whammy ones, always feature really strongly. I’ve been observing the differences in how I feel around someone that has, for example,  Saturn conjunct my Mars with an orbit of 3 compared to someone else with the same interaspect but with an orbit of 0 degrees instead. The difference is astounding.

This observation makes me think that perhaps the tightest interaspects are a quick way to access the myth of the relationship. To sort of know what themes are going to be strongly invoked by each other and on each other at the same time. Then obviously we also have to analyse both natal charts individually, in order to have an idea of how that interaction has an impact and connects with the process of individuation of each person.

Our (me and my friend’s) synastry tightest interaspect is his Mars at 0 degrees Scorpio making a conjunction to my Pluto at 0 Scorpio. His Mars also falls into my 12th house and I’ve always noticed that somehow, without any rational or clear explanation, something in him irritates me in a strange way. Because of my astrology I was always aware that it’s something  more powerful and potentially “dangerous” than an irritation caused by a Moon square Moon. There is something deep in this irritation that I feel towards him. And now that I’ve been spending time at his place I can also feel our second tightest interaspect, his Moon/Jupiter conjunction in aquarious making an almost exact trine to my libra Moon. It really feels pleasant to share a home. It feels comfortable and easy on this level. But the Pluto Mars thing is always powerfully in the background and it makes me a bit cautious. It constantly feels like there is some imminent potential for destruction between us.

I have to confess that my Scorpio ascendant finds it exciting.

At the same time we also have a double whammy of Saturn conjunct each others South Node and I can’t help but think that we’ve known each other from before. Perhaps we fucked each other up in another lifetime? I’m not sure but I’m definitely paying attention in this life’s interaction ..

More on that another time.

Evolutionary boost

Another five days have gone by and my energy has shifted.

These are my last two weeks around here and thanks to my my lunar node contact (the friend I wrote about in the last post, with the Gemini Moon tightly conjunct my North Node) I’ve decided to stay. Is quite interesting to see and experience in real life what we usually read in most websites about the relevance of Nodal contacts in synastry.

I have seen Nodal interaspects between my astrological chart and the chart of important people in my life. My brother’s North Node makes a tight conjunction to my MC and I have close and important friends in my life that shares this kind of astrological configuration with me. Apart from sharing a very special and significant place in my heart they also have another thing in common:  most of these connections were developed slowly and steadily. No sudden clicks or boosts. Yes, they’ve entered my life to stay and I’ve always thought that for the same reason there was no need for speeding anything up, there was always an intrinsic sense that that was meant to be.

This is the first time that the relevance of the Nodal connection is quickly revealed to me. A few casual encounters here and there and I already could sense the depth and emotional bond (even if not yet developed in full potential). I say emotional bond precisely because it’s his Moon, representing his emotional body, that makes the contact and color our interaction. I’ve noticed, very casually, his impulse to take care of me in quite a lunar way. It really feels nice. Specially because with this he keeps gently pushing me towards my purpose. There were a few places that he told me that I should definitely go to and I went (trusting the Nodal contact and strong potential for spiritual growth) without getting disappointed. I fought to overcome the unsociable life that I’ve been having here since I arrived. He somehow brought me out of my self absorbed healing process by being himself, without pushing me. Without even knowing what he was doing to be honest. Something about resonance, the resonance between who he naturally is and the point representing my direction towards growth.

I can really see the lunar and Gemini flavour in this situation. Since I decided to come out from my cocoon this big shift happened and I’ve been socialising and networking a lot. I’m getting quite a few clients for astrological readings and I even got a student that is paying for private lessons!

How truly amazing. Really. I cannot stretch how much we should all look out for interaspects between inner planets and the North Node in synastry. It feels like a real blessing. The inner planet person acts like some kind of “godmother” helping you out in your path towards evolution.  You can trust that there is a special kind of bond.

 

Strange days

Since my course has finished I’ve had 2 days filled with anxious feelings about going back to the old patterns and 5 days of practicing yoga twice a day on my own. I am happy to see that somehow I’m keeping my discipline and serious attitude towards my practice. I’ve almost read a whole book (a good one) about yoga in two days which has been quite inspiring and enlightening also.

Now, after hanging out on the beach for couple of hours with a friend I notice mixed feelings about this island while looking at myself in the mirror.

My time around here has been quite intense and strange at the same time. I attributed the strangeness of my somehow lack of will to socialise to my plutonic moment. I knew from start that I came here on business and not for some frivolous time at the tantric tropical paradise.

But after today’s leisure time at the naked beach I got myself wondering if I’m not taking this place for granted. Everyone around seems to be having such a great time and at the same time so grateful to be here. I’ve been really looking forward to fly back to England (yes I’m going back as I feel that there might still be my home, even if in a different city) that sometimes I get removed from the present moment almost completely. Wrong attitude, I know. That’s why I’ve been thinking about going to a self sustainable farm in the north, get back on the road and into the present moment. I just couldn’t make up my mind yet, if I want to hitchhike on my own and go for an adventure as by now I’m running low on cash and is a long distance from here to there. I don’t know yet. I’m not sure if I just want to relax before going back or go for some rough adventurous time. We will see..

Anyways, this friend that I’ve spent some time with today has his Moon in Gemini making a tight conjunction to my North Node and I couldn’t help but watch him with some degree of admiration. His capacity for engaging with many people at the same time, the genuine curiosity. The socialising impulse that somehow I seem to have lost around here. I even thought this maybe could be explained by astrocartography and my relocated chart in Thailand that puts my social Libra Moon into the 7th house of other people. I was thinking about that and wondering how strongly a geographic place can affect you.

From Sao Paulo to London there was a noticeable increase on my sense of freedom which I very much appreciated. My ascendant changes from Scorpio to Sagittarius with my Mars/Uranus conjunction in Sag very close to the angle. It’s truly amazing the tremendous feeling of freedom and independence that I experience there. My North Node also gets pretty close to my relocated descendant and is also very noticeable the amount of fated encounters that I’ve had over there. And most of them initiated by me.

Very different from how I feel around here. With the relocated ascendant in Aries and Mars (the ruler of it) in the eighth house I can tell that most of my energy is put into deep transformation that obviously, in a very scorpionic/8th house like, includes a massive degree of intense purging and seriousness. Then somehow, perhaps by resonance, my Saturn in Scorpio gets highlighted because I totally feel the seriousness of my relationship with the emotional realm and that leaves me no time for frivolity. But then again, maybe that comes down to my plutonic time and the synchronicity of me picking a place that emphasise and is conducive to the process of change…