After much tension for the last couple of weeks here I am to write another blog post. This one I think is more of a need for self expression than anything else.
I feel confused and not sure about how to proceed, where should I be or how should I deal with my situation now. My natal Venus Square Neptune has been transited by Pluto and Saturn for some time, with my progressed Venus just about to conjoin natal Saturn, and I do feel this is potentially a big time of learning. Learning about boundaries and self worth, learning about my self-delusion tendencies in love, etc. Learning to get hold of my longings and to not project into a potential partner.
But these days I met an ex lover and all of that knowing and self awareness sort of went down the drain. I’ve always made a point in meeting past lovers after sometime just to complete the process of getting over someone. Just to see how much that person does not have a hold on me anymore. Banishing someone I like from my life forever, has never been my way of dealing with a broken heart.
But what do we do when even after not seeing someone for 5 years you realise that you still have strong feelings for that person? How can that even be possible? I feel like I’ve had so many lives for the past five years, so much travelling, moving cities, jobs, doing a masters, different relationships, etc. So much has happened, so much growth. How is it possible to still have strong feelings for someone that I thought I left behind long ago?
He is one of the only people I’ve met that I felt completely comfortable sleeping beside me, I didn’t feel restless and could manage to go into deep sleep quite easily. Many of his personal planets fall into my 12th house and I have the feeling that that reflects an access that he has to my unconscious, which is quite nice for sleeping. I don’t know. It actually feels like he has free access to my soul, and that’s the trouble. How can you let go of a connection of this kind?
Although a lot of good things are happening in my life at the moment, I feel sad. I wonder what is the point of having such a strong and deep link with someone if you’re not able to pursue and explore it further. Grow together. Why? What is the point in learning about letting go of someone you like so much, knowing that they feel similarly towards you?
Not meant to be? What does that even mean? …