I’ve been trying to avoid writing posts with too much information about my private life but damn it, that’s impossible really. I realised that for me is too hard to put my energy into something that I can’t relate to in a more personal level.
Couple of days ago I was thinking and wrote a post about the tightest interaspect between my natal chart and my current flat mate/friend. About how much I could already kind of sense that energy even if in a more subtle form.
Well, yesterday I think that there was already an episode related to the manifestation of that energy. After watching a movie together and getting sort of close but also repelling each other in a strange way, we started to chat. I’ve been aware of this feeling of attraction and repulsion already for a while, and used to feel the repulsion a lot since we’ve met around 3 years ago.
I’m the Pluto so I was trying to understand his view on what was happening but mostly through bringing it down to his past experiences. I think that the fact that both of us have our Moon in air signs sort of help keeping a little detachment and being able to talk about it. He was quite reserved and didn’t reveal much about his story but I could sense a huge degree of complexity under the surface.
This whole thing actually made me wonder, without pushing away my responsibility over my feelings, if the irritation and anger I’ve always felt towards him doesn’t have to do with the fact that my Pluto is in the 12th house and I can naturally tap into people’s darker side? Anger has a strong resonance with sexual frustration and I did sense that in the undercurrents while we were talking last night.
Today I felt a bit weird about the whole thing because unusually he woke up quite late and I had to constantly fight feelings of being on his way in the morning.
Then consequently I felt homeless again. Is hard not to have your own space when you get so easily enmeshed with other people’s stuff.
This got me a bit down during most of the day and going to Clapham Common didn’t help much also. I went to do some child minding with the boys (which I truly adore) I took care for couple of years. It was great to see them again, but hanging out in that area really brought me some painful memories from my Saturn return.
One day I’ll write about that.
I also found out that the boys family is coincidentally moving to Pangbourne, the small place where my ex lover is from. That too brought me painful memories.
Which reminds me to charge forward. Looking back doesn’t feel good now. And to not forget that I made a commitment with myself not to play the therapist/astrologer for a lover ever again.
We have to meet half way.