Pluto-Moon bummer 3

by with 3 Comments Astrology and meInner life

(Just need to get this out of my chest)

Unbelievable.

I’m aware of Pluto’s retrograde motion getting closer to square my natal Moon again, but I wasn’t expecting that.

I just got a phone call from my mother telling me that she broke her foot and that it will take her at least 45 days to recover (maybe). She won’t be able to do anything so obviously I am going to be the one to just drop everything down (which perhaps isn’t much anyways?) and go to Brazil to nurse her 24/7.

Unbelievable.

I cannot put in words the myriad of intense emotions that this situation has just triggered in me.

One of the big things during this Pluto transit was to realise that my mother isn’t really who I thought she was.

Most of my life, out of feminism or I don’t really know what, I’ve always bought what she told me. I was always on her side. I would always protect and help her, no matter what. I would many times be against my father or sacrifice myself in some way or another for her.

And she always told me we were friends. And I believed it. (Moon in the 11th?)

Well, things turned out to be very different than what she made me believe most of my life. (With Sun in Cancer and Moon in Pisces playing the victim can be one way of manifesting the energies..)

I somehow realised how much that “close friendship” was actcually controlling and suffocating me most of the time.

I’ve been dealing with a lot of anger and resentment for having to play her mother many times. (especially emotionally)

I don’t want that anymore! I’m aware of this dynamic now, the subtle manipulative tactics, emotional blackmail etc.

But I know that she isn’t aware. She isn’t very self aware at all.

I’m amazed to see that, after having what it seemed to be a little break from the intense crisis during the first 2 hits, as Pluto move backwards and approach my natal Moon once more, the whole “life and death”/intense emotions are back almost straight away.

And life reflect symbols that reflects life…

Cracking the eggshell

by with No Comment Inner lifeSearch for home

Yesterday I went for drinks at what I used to call a “cool pub in Peckham”.

I could not help but keep watching other people’s behaviour with a  sense of total disconnection,  just like I used to feel when I was much younger and had started going out to nightclubs.

Everything around me seemed so shallow and soulless. People getting drunk and behaving with uncontrollable compulsion.

I somehow could feel the desperate longing for fulfilment, for imediate happiness at all costs. Everything surrounds this search, even the huge amounts of makeup on women’s faces trying to hide away insecurities  for not looking like the girl in the magazine.

I was again sensing how much in main stream society people are trained and expected to feed more and more the false self. To seek things that don’t have real value to the real Self.

I felt how much I don’t belong. How much I’ve never did.

I was wandering for a bit, trying to spot someone different and exciting to have a chat with but without success. Everyone really seemed immersed in their city lives.

Work, money, smart phones, putting up with unlikable routines because that’s just “normal”. Wedding rings, fashionable clothes and shaky hands holding the cigarette that appears to hold the confidence of some. Appearances…and awkwardness behind huge amounts of alcohol.

I’m still cracking the eggshell of my new life, of the new me. I don’t feel the despair I did, when Pluto squared my Moon for the first time, in March last year when I blew my London life up without flinching.

I am more centered, more calm and solid. More certain that that was not the way to go for me. That a life based on appearances and compulsions won’t be much of a life to me.

But yesterday hanging out at that incredibly noisy and lousy environment I felt that pain again. The pain of being isolated, without a supportive community of like minded people. The pain of rejection.

At least with my current gypsy life of uncertainty and search I’ve had had a taster of how it feels to belong and to truly share with people.

I’ve had moments of grace singing and dancing mantras to Shiva, moments of warmth sharing cups of tea around the fire, moments of bliss observing nature’s wonderful beauty and simplicity. Moments of inspiration in the arms of so many genuine hugs that I’ve had the honor to experience on the road.

I think this post is more of a thank you.

I am grateful to the pain of separation that has thrown me into what seems to be my true path.

Pluto transforming the Capricorn principle

by with One Comment Astrology and meInner lifeSearch for home

This is a long title for a post, but I couldn’t think of a better one.

I’ve had an important insight from the book I already mentioned that I’m reading now. (“Yoga and the quest for the true self”)

In one of the chapters the author, who is also a psychotherapist, stretches the equal importance of cultivating insight as well as equanimity in the process of becoming real. He called them the two pillars.

I’ve always had a strong introverted tendency. Even if sociable and very talkative at times I would always need lots of time on my own to recharge myself. To regain balance. To understand and to know myself more deeply.

With my strong Pluto/Scorpio plus Virgo nature, insight and analysis always had a very important place in my life.

Only now, after couple of years in this process of changing my lunar function (represented by the Pluto transit) I’m paying more attention to the equanimity principle.

Basically, a lot of insight without equanimity (the ability to hold and nurture ourselves, the ability to feel safe) we are under the risk of some serious fragmentation of the self. And I can’t help but hear the symbolism connected with the Moon/Cancer in the horoscope when I think about equanimity.

Since Pluto has been squaring my natal Moon I’ve been challenged to take care of myself in so many ways. I’ve been challenged to learn how to nurture myself instead of just projecting my sense of security and well being into someone else (I’m a libra moon!) or into material resources (Pluto is transiting my second house).

It’s been quite a ride, but since my encounter with yoga this process is becoming somehow easier. I am sinking more into my body, understanding more of it’s flow. I am learning that from one day to another I’m different and that’s just natural. In some days some postures are easier to perform than in another. We are not as fixed as we think of ourselves and there is nothing wrong with that.

I am learning to appreciate and accept myself more. I am learning to love my constant flow, just like a river.

And that’s where I thought about the title for this post. I believe that understanding that we are not robots and that efficiency is costing too much by removing us from our natural flow and our connection with the earth and the natural cycles. By removing us from our genuine connection with each other.

How can one be sympathetic when the lack of basic inner nurturance and equanimity is so strong?

Pluto in Capricorn is giving us the opportunity to transform and regain some balance, collectively as well as individually. The opportunity to balance the axis of Capricorn and Cancer in our lives, in our relationship with ourselves. To develop more equanimity is to become more gentle. And that makes me think of Che Guevara’s famous quote:

“Hay que endurecerse, pero sin perder la ternura jamas “

The weight of Saturn

by with One Comment Astrology and me

After the personal reminder of yesterday I feel the urge to write about something that more people could resonate with. Something that could work as a reminder also, but for many people this time.

So during my last reading I had my client asking me how important was the Saturn return and what was that about.

Well, very much.

I always say to my clients that it is only after the Saturn return (when transiting Saturn is back in the same position that it was at the moment of birth) that astrologers consider the individual to be leaving teenagehood behind and heading towards becoming an adult. I’m not sure if every astrologer believe that, but I definitely do. And I also want you to keep in mind that it all comes down to individuals as well. I’ve seen people that, even many years after their Saturn return, were still struggling with taking responsibility for themselves.

I like seeing transits as opportunities. When certain parts of your chart are being activated, by transit or progression, is like there is an extra amount of energy available for you to work with. The more aware you are of the possibilities of manifestation according to your personal blueprint, more able to refine those principles for the better.

That’s empowerment.

The question isn’t when your Saturn return is going to be over. The real question is what this Saturn return is about personally to me and how can I work constructively with that. (This question can actually be asked every time you have an important transit from Uranus, Neptune and Pluto also.)

To find the personal meaning you have to analyse where that Saturn is in the astrological chart. What house? What sign? What aspects does it do to other planets or points in that person’s horoscope?

Saturn stands for boundaries, limitations, reality. It also has a resonance with solidity and sturdiness. One of the definitions of responsibility is the ability to respond to life’s challenges, and this is the core line in any transit from Saturn. Specially the Saturn return, when all of the dreams and visions that were healthily experienced in our twenties are brought into check. We feel the weight of responsibility. We realise that we won’t be able to do everything that we thought about doing it, the filmmaking, becoming a scuba diving instructor, travel the world on a horse…and the list goes on. Those dreams were important during that phase of life when we are still experimenting in order to know who we are.

By the time Saturn returns, we feel the weight of responsibility through our decisions. We know that life is somehow becoming serious. We’ve got to optimise our energies investing in what is truly important for us.

Having to face our saturnian fears during the return is a great part of the process. The process of standing on our own feet.

I’ve seen someone with Saturn in  the third house who had never read a book in his entire life facing the challenge of writing a theses in another language in order to get a master.

I’ve seen someone with Saturn in Libra in the 12th going through the hard break up of a long term relationship during his return.

There are many more examples.

What makes the difference is the attitude when taking up the challenge.

Those who did it head on, taking responsibility for themselves, somehow have succeeded in the real challenge of becoming more solid as an individual.

Reminder

by with No Comment Astrology and meInner lifeRandomSearch for home

Mostly I’m writing this post now as a reminder to myself.

I’m in Clapham Common having a coffee at the place I used to work before leaving everything behind. I actually just finished my second coffee. I really shouldn’t have done this as I’m now feeling a bit hyper. At the yoga school coffee is one of the things they tell you to quit.

I’m having my period in about a week, (I’ve been having my period around the full moon for quite a while), and feel strange. My PMS isn’t nearly as strong as it used to be before consistently practicing yoga like I’ve been doing everyday for the past 2 months and a half, but I can still feel it. The practice of yoga is not only decreasing my levels of PMS, but also providing me with detachment. That is truly great. Is like I can, instead of just becoming instantly possessed by it, stare at the more destructive parts of myself in the face.

Anyways, the more infantile part of me, the one that was desperately in love with that young man over a year ago, has been actively throwing emotions at me today. I’m still quite centered though. I’m not necessarily felling cheerful, but I’m peaceful.

This situation reminds me of the realisation I’ve had after coming back from Bristol last week.

The Pluto transit to my Moon is still an ongoing process, with the longest hit taking place pretty much during the whole second half of this year. I don’t like predictions and I strongly believe that thoughts create reality, but after I came back from Bristol I realised that my confusion and search for home is still going to linger on for a bit longer. The feeling of contentment and belonging that I’ve had during my last two weeks in Thailand whilst being super busy with astrology was just a taster. It was just a preview of, more or less, how my life can be once Im done with all of the detox and transformation expected from an intense plutonic time.

I feel that I really need to keep reminding myself of that in order to work constructively with whatever is being born within me. And the transit is perhaps only a reflection.

I like to think like that. I believe it to be more empowering and helpful in the cultivation of patience, a fundamental virtue in the process of maturation.

Out of sync

by with No Comment Astrology and meInner lifeSearch for homeTrip

I’ve been out of sync in the last month. Definitely too much going on around here and inside me.

Tomorrow I’m finally graduating from the first level yoga course that I’ve been doing since January here in Thailand. I was pretty busy with that and with the second exact hit of transiting Pluto square to my natal Moon also taking place in January.

The first one, in March 2015, was connected with me leaving my home in London and many realisations about my mother bringing a lot of old anger back to the surface. (Also with the break up of an important relationship)

The second one had me practicing yoga twice a day for six days a week and a physical breakdown for 5 days that they call “process of purification”. There is definitely something really powerful about yoga and practicing it with awareness. I got pretty sick for those 5 days and all that I wanted was, funny enough, my mother! For the first time in years I really wanted to be with her and truly missed her care and love. I can totally see the connection there, the healing taking place while a lot of toxic energy was making its way out of my body. We spoke on Skype, me and my mother, everyday during that week like we haven’t done it in a really long time.

I’m now feeling a lot better. My mind is much more clearer and lucid than when I arrived in the island. A lot less emotional clutter, even my body is lighter as I’ve lost some weight with the combination of yoga and the sickness.

I have no doubt that I’ve made the right decision about coming here to do this course during this Pluto transit. I highly recommend to everyone having a strong Pluto transit to go for some kind of powerful detox process, a course like this or some kind of retreat. Whatever catches your attention, go for it. You won’t regret. It really helps the purging process and makes you feel a lot lighter afterwards.

This transit still an ongoing process for me, with the last and longer hit on the second half of this year. I have no idea what’s going to happen. What I know is that I’ve quit smoking and feel much lighter at the moment. Almost like a little glimpse of what could be the feeling at the end of this whole process of death and rebirth. Its exciting as well as profound and demanding. What can make a great difference is the awareness that enable you to make wiser choices to facilitate the process of purification represented symbolically by Pluto. Resisting this process isn’t the best attitude and I believe it can only make things more painful. The amount of resistance equals the necessary violence applied to make a change..

Mouldy peaches

by with No Comment Astrology and meInner lifeSearch for home

I dreamt that I had missed my flight and woke up disturbed. The day started in a funny way but now it has gone from funny to frustrating at the very least. I’ve been spending most of my hours today trying to get rid of the mould that to my horror is growing everywhere in my room. It’s good that I just realised what was going on under my nose though, I think that I prevented myself from loosing most of my stuff. Man, everything had already a foul smell that somehow resembles the smell of mushrooms. Argh…

Well, with my Mercury in Virgo, this whole situation got me thinking about what Liz Greene said in one of her books (which one I can’t remember exactly now) about using daily life situations to be interpreted symbolically in the same way as with dream analysis. And suddenly I can totally see a symbolic relation between Pluto in Capricorn heading for the second square to my Moon in Libra and my mouldy room. Something that has grown in the darker corners of my (temporary) home must be dealt with! The feeling of powerlessness in the situation, the unpleasant surprise.

It also made me think about better ways of tackling the inevitable, or what could be my best conduct in this situation. For instance I could just have ignored the humidity and bad smell and in 2 months and a half I would have had the unhappy surprise of loosing everything for good, possibly including my passport that was inside my backpack. (Not considering my health also). How traumatic would that have been?

Another road is to not ignore and deal with the crap straight away. To be aware that there is no easy way out really, and the sooner I address the problem the better, for there is less mouldy material to get my hands dirty from at once. Now, considering that I’m in a shady and super humid place in Thailand I believe that the mould will keep coming out but my choice is to deal with it daily and slowly. I’m gonna take it as it comes for some things seems to be inevitable in life…

Wilderness

by with No Comment Astrology and meInner lifeSearch for home

I’ve been meaning to write another post for a little while and because I didn’t the result is a mix and match of different ideas in one text.

First, a tip for anyone that thinks about living at a tropical paradise: beware and be ready to share your space with creatures of every sort. My first week living in this Thai island and I’ve had a few encounters that reminded me about how much life thrives in tropical weather. Almost eight years of european home and somehow I had completely forgotten that.

I had a bunch of ants mercilessly invading the cereal pack that I left on the table overnight, another big spider’s delightful visit (that one was quite huge for my standards), a little lizard surprisingly jumping on me out of a clothes rack, and the big brown spider that still sharing my room with me. I understood that the table/chair area here is hers and it seems that we have an unspoken agreement on leaving each other alone. I think I might eventually grow fond of her and start a beautiful friendship.

Then I got myself thinking, are we, human beings born and raised on tropical places, also naturally wilder than the others?  Im not sure what the answer is but I have to say that from my experience living in cold and mild England this seems to be so. Like that daring little lizard, I think that I did jump out of clothes racks onto people as well. But that’s another story.

I think is just interesting that I’m settling in a tropical place now, regarding that my natal moon is the ruler of the 9th in my chart. 9th house has to do with travels and living abroad, the moon has to do with home as well. So many memories from Brazil has been brought back to me. Obviously this is also and especially being triggered by that Pluto transit to my moon.

Another tip, for you people navigating the turbulent waters of an outer planet transit to a personal one: keep track of when the fast moving planets get involved in the picture. That’s when is more likely that something might happen or when you might be strongly in touch with the painful process of change. These days Mars made a conjunction to my moon and jeez, for two days I lost much of my perspective and capacity for detachment. I found myself clinging to what I thought I had understood and let go already. I somehow became those childish feelings and fears for 2 days. As Mars moved away, it felt like I came back to my body again. I’m in charge again and with more perspective.

This isn’t an easy process (the outer planets kind of change), but it’s vital in order to become oneself.

Its definitely a helping hand with the task of meeting the wilderness within.

Holy cows

by with No Comment Astrology and meTrip

Ashram/Hare Krishna community in Bavaria and Mars opposing Neptune in the sky. I guess this has been an interesting combination for me, especially because some of my personal planets are being picked up by this transit. I’ve been thinking about all of the religious rules and pondering how much discipline is required in order to achieve some sort of spiritual understanding versus the danger of stiffing up too much of our natural need for individual freedom. I don’t really have any answer yet, but I guess that the atmosphere here and my journey are being conducive to what this Neptune transiting is reflecting now.

One thing that I can say is that some of the beliefs here doesn’t please me very much (or rather doesn’t resonate with me?), like sex only after marriage or women in their period not being allowed to touch the food. My Uranic side can’t really take these kind of things. Too many rules and my rebellious side gets stirred up…