Tying knots in the 2nd house..

by with 3 Comments Astrology and meInner lifeProfessional Astrologer

The intensity of these month with the culmination of the last exact square from transiting Pluto to my natal Moon has been quite different from the previous ones.

The impression that I have is that things have been challenged to transform from within,  beginning with the deepest unconscious layers (still when Pluto was 2 degrees orbit away from the first exact square), and now perhaps hitting mostly the more gross parts that still need to be fined tuned.

In the last two months I haven’t had many internal breakdowns or many difficult emotions to deal with. During the first square in March 2015 I was overwhelmed by fear and sadness and emotions in general.

Now I feel a lot more stable and secure within myself.

What seems to be happening in this last stage is more connected with work and financial life and my values really (a lot of the matters connected with the 2nd house of the horoscope).

It was only in the last week that I consciously noticed how much I’m already feeling deflated and bored at work. I think I sort of came to the realisation that this is “just another job” again.

We aren’t really doing much to get involved in the local community, mainly the boss is focused on making money and a bit desperate because we are still not very busy. He is saving money on certain things that I disagree on like rubbish collection (we are not recycling yet!! I still can’t really believe that he doesn’t seem to care too much about that).

Then I also have noticed him at times behaving like a capitalist desperate boss, feeling agitated when he sees you sitting down for a bit (on a shift of 9 hours and and half standing on your feet) on a day that is extremely quiet and there isn’t much to do anyway.

(I’m not holding a grudge or anything, don’t get me wrong. I can see that he is trying his best and that he doesn’t have much experience.)

But my problem is that there seems to be more preoccupation with looking cool and forward thinking and ecological than actually truly caring about the environment for instance.

I understand that this is just the first month and chaos is all around. But he did get some extra money from the bank so there shouldn’t be an excuse for recycling and composting food  and coffee waste.

I feel like I’m still going against my values, a bit like I was when living in London.

I don’t want to put my energy into egotistical purposes. I want to work for something that will improve the collective situation somehow.

Power to the people.

So this week I’m only working for 3 days and the idea that I could save up money to do a yoga teacher training in 3 months is gone.

Now I’m not sure anymore. All I know is that I have to invest more time and energy into my work as an astrologer and perhaps still live on a low budget for some time.

But I refuse to give my energy full time to something that I don’t believe in..

Plutonic Capricorn crisis..

by with 2 Comments Astrology and meInner lifeProfessional Astrologer

I’m sitting down having breakfast on my own.

I just realised that the clock has changed in England and instead of 6:50 is actually 5:51 in the morning.

Having some issues at work and, with that, also having shadowy parts of my psyche popping up regularly.

Being an authority isn’t easy and yesterday, when I went to bed at 8pm feeling down, I was thinking about the reasons why I’ve never wanted to do that (be an authority figure in almost 7 years of experience in this industry).

I am a very good worker and pretty good at taking orders from superiors too (even though I have to respect the person in charge first). And I used to enjoy just being that, the excellent part time worker that comes 3 times a week.

In that way, without committing too much, I’ve managed to keep myself free from the inner critic and almost obsessive perfectionism, at least in these kind of odd jobs (the ones that aren’t really my true passion).

But is really hard to do that now.

I just cannot keep myself detached and make a commitment at the same time.

If I decide to do something, I’m doing it wholeheartedly. I put all of me in it. I am a Scorpio rising after all..

Yesterday when I was in bed really early, resting my exhausted legs and feet, it took me at least 3 good hours and a half to stop thinking about work. I was worried about the inconsistent way that we’ve been serving our coffee (we don’t have a barista), then I was worried that I’m getting my period soon and don’t want to be at work because of the pain (I refuse to take pain killers since my Saturn return and my journey of healing and reconnecting with my womb) but we are a tiny team for financial reasons and at the moment is hard to get someone to cover you..

Then I was worrying that I don’t want to commit myself that much, reasoning that I haven’t opened a cafe myself and that my real passion is astrology.

I want to focus my energy in reading and writing, these are one of my best skills and that’s what I most love doing.

And finally I had to calm myself down and remember that I just need to give him a hand for a little (I’m giving 3 months minimum) and save up some cash working full time, and then I will be free again.

I also can’t forget that Pluto is making the final exact square to my Moon for the whole month of November still.

Home life is pretty good, I’m enjoying it enormously. But what seems to be brought up now is the financial and lifelong (so it seems) crisis in my value system.

I’ve had moments in tears last night thinking about the business mentality of efficiency above human well being and how my ego is easily falling into that trap, for I am the manager now, even though I really don’t believe and don’t want to be a part of that system anymore.

And so I just kept quietly repeating to myself “only 3 months, only 3 months, only 3 months”.. until unconsciousness came to rescue me.

Food for thought

by with 6 Comments Astrology and meInner lifeProfessional Astrologer

I have the whole house for myself since Saturday night until Wednesday evening.

I had forgotten how it feels.. even the occasional loneliness feels lovely.

My energy is becoming more concentrated in the bedroom and I’m slowly allowing myself to settle in this place.

There is a cemetery around the corner of my house where I went for couple of walks. The energy there is peaceful and soothing.

I had yet another strange experience whilst giving an astrological reading. This time though it wasn’t as awkward, it was just confusing. The client didn’t seem to care much about anything.

It wasn’t difficult for me to do the reading. She was lovely and I’m sure that we could be good friends and have a laugh together.

But once more it wasn’t the kind of reading that I intend to be doing or the kind of astrology that I believe in.

There was no big insight conducive for transformation.

The lady seemed to be the epitome of Neptune. (Of the confusing side at least..)

She just didn’t know anything and didn’t truly care about what direction things were taking. She couldn’t remember what happened at certain times of her life, and with a lot of confusion in the air, even I started feeling clouded during that reading.

These last couple of readings have made me question a few things about my work as an astrologer.

Perhaps I should trust more and flow with it.

Today I was rereading Carl Jung “Man and his Symbols” and at some point, speaking of dream interpretation and the relationship between the analyst and the analysand, he says:

“The individual is the only reality. The further we move away from the individual toward abstract ideas about Homo Sapiens, the more likely we are to fall into error.”

Maybe that’s it, the more we try to fit or shove the symbols down the client’s throat the more likely we are to fall into error..

Professional quest..

by with 2 Comments Astrology and meProfessional Astrologer

I feel strange now.

Just had a confusing experience with a client.

I’ve been quite busy this week with astrological work and everything is going pretty well with that.

As I come out of my personal crisis, my practice as an astrologer is becoming clearer. I feel that I work as a “transformer”.

The work is shamanic.

I’m also realising that most of the time parental introjection and family karma is an important part of my readings.

Is about becoming who you are by also realising who you’re not.

Or in other words, all about what Carl Jung called the “process of individuation”, the process of becoming your own individual.

But I’m not sure how to deal with a situation where the client doesn’t resonate much with his/her astrological blue print.

It’s weird and uncomfortable for both of us.

They usually seem to be out of touch with their innermost self, without any interest in psychology, and what they are looking for is a ready made answer or prediction of what’s going to happen.

I guess I should have stayed with the basic sets of characteristics of each planet in each sign?! Maybe I could have helped more that way?!

Fellow astrologers out there, what do you do in this kind of situation?!

Feel free to also share your experiences!

 

Confessions of a transformed Libra Moon..

by with 13 Comments Astrology and meInner lifeSearch for home

This is my second official morning in Bristol.

I’ve managed to start moving here even though I still haven’t found a home yet.

Got on a train on Wednesday with my backpack, a suitcase and my bicycle and it was very nice to see a few people really keen on offering me a hand. The world is full of good people.

Then on the same day I went to check a potential home and really enjoyed it. It just felt right. Even the name of the street: Gratitude Road. Love it.

They have a nice garden in the back where they used to grow some veggies but now is mostly overgrown nasturtium. She seemed happy when I told her that I have a bit of experience with gardening. She is Taurus and also on a spiritual path.

So then my uncertainty about the room that I had checked previously just grew.

Strange situation.

When I came here straight after Buddhafields I had the opportunity to go and see a house. I knocked on the door and when the woman opened it and invited me in, the first thought that crossed my mind was a clear and loud no.

I don’t know why I didn’t listen to it from the beginning.

Suddenly I was caught in the middle of the whole (bizarre) agency bureaucratic process when I still wasn’t even sure if I wanted to move in. I wasn’t completely sure that that was my home to be.

Anxiety over the referencing process. Somehow, in a strange way, they make you feel like a criminal. Checking this, checking that.

The whole thing was just making me feel very uncomfortable and a little scared of coming back to a “normal” life in society. I sent couple of emails that didn’t get any response, from the agency as well as one of the potential house mates.

No clear communication. No real connection or appreciation. Only a business like thing going on.

Big lesson to me about not allowing myself to get wrapped up in situations anymore. (perhaps my neptunian side combined with the Libra moon?)

Then yesterday I had to finally speak up my truth.

An email was sent to the agency (still without a response) and another one to the potential house mate.

It was really hard to let these people down, but I couldn’t sign a contract and move in somewhere only because I didn’t want to disappoint others. She straight away replied to me fairly aggressive, saying that I would have to deal with the “very bad karma that you have just generated” and also saying that I don’t have integrity.

My intuition was confirmed and I felt relieved that I didn’t sign the contract.

Everyone that knows me a little bit knows how much integrity is important to me.

I still replied a very nice email apologising again and explaining that it was out of integrity with them and integrity with myself that I wasn’t going to move in because it didn’t fell right.

I can see how my Moon in Libra’s unconscious reactions, (to be a people pleaser for instance), is being challenged now. I can see how much I really need to be liked and how that need has driven me to almost move in with people that I didn’t truly feel connected.

(After all the trouble that I went through in order to find and to relate with like minded people!)

I’m very proud of myself though. Proud of being able to say no. And I am Happy to see myself becoming more and more authentic.

So I will end this post with a positive message.

After lots and lots of suffering and dealing with toxic emotional junk that was lingering on my psyche, during the last hit of transiting Pluto to my moon I can already see how much I’ve changed for better. I feel lighter and much more able to be truthful to my essence.

I am not here to make everyone like me as there is no point in being appreciated by compromising your truth.

I still make an effort to be nice to people because that’s a strong part of my nature, but without betraying my essence.

Is a pity if you don’t like me, but life goes on.