Lunar mess

by with 5 Comments Astrology and me

Yesterday I went to a little Christmas gathering in one of my neighbours. I didn’t really know anyone there apart from my house mate.

It is amazing to see how much of my lunar function is still sort of out of tune.

People would come to talk to me and I would just see myself reacting in an overly Libran fashion, smiling all the time but also feeling the undercurrents of anxiety or darker feelings in almost everyone in the room (probably more linked to my Saturn and Pluto in the 12th house).

Really, I was amazed to see how this part of my psyche (the one connected with the symbolism of the Moon) is still not functioning in a more authentic fashion yet, (although I can now see that happening whereas before it used to be just a reaction, so there is some growth there.)

Mercury will be going retrograde at 15 degrees, the same degree of my Moon in Libra, so probably more insights for me on the Pluto transit and it’s effects on my Moon.

I think that’s probably part of what happens, when going under an important major transit, whichever planet/drive in your psyche is being touched is going to be completely out of tune for a while.

I guess this is just a natural part of the process of transformation. It has to be messed up in order to be reorganised in a different fashion.

Toiletroom

by with 2 Comments Astrology and meInner lifeSearch for homeTrip

How amazing.

I’m laying down on the floor of a tiny little room beside the toilet at my friend’s house. The boiler is in this place and keeps making quite a bit of noise every now and then.

There is a broken chair and some of my stuff spread around.

A bag filled with books, a backpack and a big box containing a random selection of my belongings that I’ve picked up yesterday at my brother’s house.

The last time I saw these box was when I moved out back in March 2015. It feels like having a little treasure really. I had forgotten a lot of those things and it was a joy yesterday to have them in my hands again.

Never mind that though, I’m not so much into the material side of things. Things are just things. They’re replaceable.

What I want to state here is my feeling of appreciation for this piece of floor in this tiny room (while Pluto goes direct!). The old me would not be able to even conceive myself being relax and feeling secure in a situation like this one right now.

And right now I just feel so grateful for being able to sleep alone again…

Lately I’ve been craving my own company so much that I would rejoice in the toilet for having the feeling of aloneness between 4 walls..

(And speaking about that, someone just used the toilet as I was writing this post and the smell is pretty bad here now..)

Updates of plutonian times..

by with 2 Comments Astrology and meInner lifeSearch for homeTrip

I’m hanging out at my friend’s kitchen now.

As usual he has woken me up at 7:30 am with his idiosyncratic routine. He is renting both of the bedrooms in the flat so we share the living room when I’m around.

I’m back in London again. I’m still traveling quite a bit even though I’m just getting more and more tired of it.

Last week I was at the forest of Dean which was lovely.

The man I’ve been seeing came to visit me and again we had an intense fight on the third day that we spent together. That’s also the third time this happens.

The Venus square Neptune part of my psyche really can’t seem to be able to discriminate and see this relationship clearly.

On one hand he challenges me a lot, which is great. I’ve never been with a guy who would confront me like he does. On another hand our encounters are becoming very stressful when we fight (even though we also share intense positive moments) and I can’t help but think that perhaps I would be better off on my own.

Since Pluto started transiting my natal Moon I’ve gone through so much strife and crisis. So much destruction has happened and now I just feel like rebuilding myself. Moving into my new home, focusing on saving up some money to buy myself a laptop again (pretty hard to keep writing on this small tablet.), sticking up to a good daily routine.. loving myself…

I’m also sure that he is a manifestation of this transit as I’ve met him when Pluto was retrograde making the third exact square to my moon in July.

Old manipulative tecniques, emotional blackmail, victimisation.. old unconscious patterns of relating in general don’t feature in my interaction with this man.

It doesn’t work. (Not that I consciously want them to work)

He always challenges and questions my communication a lot. He has Venus in Scorpio in the third house and is a lot more direct and talkative than most Scorpio in Venus men that I’ve been with in the past.

He is currently at a 10 day meditation retreat and we agreed not to talk to each other for those days.

Today I’m officially counting down the days to move in to my new bedroom in Bristol. 7 days to go. (And Pluto will be direct when that happens..)

Saturn is also making a trine to my MC and I’ve had a few unexpected requests for astrology work. That’s truly great because I’m not putting much of my energy into my passion at the moment (domestic issues are feeling more urgent with this Pluto/Moon stuff)  so I can only imagine how it will be when I do focus on my work.

Internally I already feel different though. More confidence is available as I’m stepping more and more into my inner authority without feeling scared.

Empowerment.

Also yesterday I did my first head stand.

I’ve been patiently and slowly working towards that since January. I wanted to do it with control and equilibrium rather than by throwing my legs against the wall.

Respect the timing..

(This also works as a symbolic reflection of all the work that I’ve been doing on myself with those multiple transits in the last few years..)

Eclipses/plutonian whine..

by with 3 Comments Astrology and meInner lifeSearch for home

It seems like ages since the last time I wrote.

I’ve tried moving to Bristol already but somehow it didn’t work.

A lot has happened since August 17th (which I’m not going to explain here right now) including being one of the chosen girls to move in that lovely house on Gratitude road. I’m very happy about that but I am only moving in on 1st of October

So obviously I still have to deal with a lot of intense emotions while Pluto squares my natal Moon in retrograde motion now. (It really seems like every time that an outer planet is in retrograde motion hitting one of my natal planets the urge to act is there but I can’t quite do it)

I feel a lot of pressure building up and I really cannot stand being homeless anymore.

There is a lot of intense emotions mixed up with profound insights but without a place to be the container for me to concentrate and work with them is very hard.

I have people around me most of the time and as much as I love helping/listening/healing them all, I am fucking sick of everyone at the moment.

I feel drained.

Everyone has got issues, patterns, bad habits and stuff that I really don’t want to be dealing with 24/7. I’m tired of being the psychologist in exchange for a couch or a floor to sleep on. I’m tired of socialising, tired of giving myself off constantly. I am sick of being the container for other people’s projections..

I just wanna be alone to cultivate and increase my energy.

I want to have space to practice my yoga everyday at the same time, a space to conserve my focus and discipline without having to compromise.

I long for a place where I can profoundly connect with my inner life again. Feel my inner seasons, watch the trees through the window with a silent sense of understanding and stillness, just like I used to do when I had a home.

I want to be able to focus on myself entirely without being judged or interrupted by others. I need a break from this too “masculine” world of productivity.

I need air to just be.

 

Confessions of a transformed Libra Moon..

by with 13 Comments Astrology and meInner lifeSearch for home

This is my second official morning in Bristol.

I’ve managed to start moving here even though I still haven’t found a home yet.

Got on a train on Wednesday with my backpack, a suitcase and my bicycle and it was very nice to see a few people really keen on offering me a hand. The world is full of good people.

Then on the same day I went to check a potential home and really enjoyed it. It just felt right. Even the name of the street: Gratitude Road. Love it.

They have a nice garden in the back where they used to grow some veggies but now is mostly overgrown nasturtium. She seemed happy when I told her that I have a bit of experience with gardening. She is Taurus and also on a spiritual path.

So then my uncertainty about the room that I had checked previously just grew.

Strange situation.

When I came here straight after Buddhafields I had the opportunity to go and see a house. I knocked on the door and when the woman opened it and invited me in, the first thought that crossed my mind was a clear and loud no.

I don’t know why I didn’t listen to it from the beginning.

Suddenly I was caught in the middle of the whole (bizarre) agency bureaucratic process when I still wasn’t even sure if I wanted to move in. I wasn’t completely sure that that was my home to be.

Anxiety over the referencing process. Somehow, in a strange way, they make you feel like a criminal. Checking this, checking that.

The whole thing was just making me feel very uncomfortable and a little scared of coming back to a “normal” life in society. I sent couple of emails that didn’t get any response, from the agency as well as one of the potential house mates.

No clear communication. No real connection or appreciation. Only a business like thing going on.

Big lesson to me about not allowing myself to get wrapped up in situations anymore. (perhaps my neptunian side combined with the Libra moon?)

Then yesterday I had to finally speak up my truth.

An email was sent to the agency (still without a response) and another one to the potential house mate.

It was really hard to let these people down, but I couldn’t sign a contract and move in somewhere only because I didn’t want to disappoint others. She straight away replied to me fairly aggressive, saying that I would have to deal with the “very bad karma that you have just generated” and also saying that I don’t have integrity.

My intuition was confirmed and I felt relieved that I didn’t sign the contract.

Everyone that knows me a little bit knows how much integrity is important to me.

I still replied a very nice email apologising again and explaining that it was out of integrity with them and integrity with myself that I wasn’t going to move in because it didn’t fell right.

I can see how my Moon in Libra’s unconscious reactions, (to be a people pleaser for instance), is being challenged now. I can see how much I really need to be liked and how that need has driven me to almost move in with people that I didn’t truly feel connected.

(After all the trouble that I went through in order to find and to relate with like minded people!)

I’m very proud of myself though. Proud of being able to say no. And I am Happy to see myself becoming more and more authentic.

So I will end this post with a positive message.

After lots and lots of suffering and dealing with toxic emotional junk that was lingering on my psyche, during the last hit of transiting Pluto to my moon I can already see how much I’ve changed for better. I feel lighter and much more able to be truthful to my essence.

I am not here to make everyone like me as there is no point in being appreciated by compromising your truth.

I still make an effort to be nice to people because that’s a strong part of my nature, but without betraying my essence.

Is a pity if you don’t like me, but life goes on.

Travels of a progressed Moon in Sagittarius..

by with 5 Comments Astrology and meSearch for homeTrip

I feel a warmth in my heart. Excitement.

I’m all set to travel again, this time I’m heading to Taunton in Devon to work at another summer festival.

Since my progressed moon entered Sagittarius in February last year packing up has become a kind of routine. By now I think that I’ve developed the most effective way of packing everything I need in my backpack. It’s amazing!

And somehow being constantly on the road really feels like home to me! (I’m also a life path number 5 in numerology)

Anyways, this festival is meant to be a very especial one that I haven’t been to yet. It’s called Buddhafield  :), and as the name already says, it is a spiritual one. (without drugs or alcohol being sold)

By experience, it is great to be with a crowd that tries getting their kicks from spiritual work rather than drugs. (nothing against alternate states of consciousness induced by substances when not done on a daily basis)

While I’m there, in a week or so, Pluto is going to go down to 15 degrees again and make the third exact square to my moon.

I hope I have some kind of breakthrough hanging out there. Perhaps a feeling of being at home, even if temporary, leads me further in my path. (which is becoming more and more connected with spirituality)

Fingers crossed and a positive mindset.. ♡

Cracking the eggshell

by with No Comment Inner lifeSearch for home

Yesterday I went for drinks at what I used to call a “cool pub in Peckham”.

I could not help but keep watching other people’s behaviour with a  sense of total disconnection,  just like I used to feel when I was much younger and had started going out to nightclubs.

Everything around me seemed so shallow and soulless. People getting drunk and behaving with uncontrollable compulsion.

I somehow could feel the desperate longing for fulfilment, for imediate happiness at all costs. Everything surrounds this search, even the huge amounts of makeup on women’s faces trying to hide away insecurities  for not looking like the girl in the magazine.

I was again sensing how much in main stream society people are trained and expected to feed more and more the false self. To seek things that don’t have real value to the real Self.

I felt how much I don’t belong. How much I’ve never did.

I was wandering for a bit, trying to spot someone different and exciting to have a chat with but without success. Everyone really seemed immersed in their city lives.

Work, money, smart phones, putting up with unlikable routines because that’s just “normal”. Wedding rings, fashionable clothes and shaky hands holding the cigarette that appears to hold the confidence of some. Appearances…and awkwardness behind huge amounts of alcohol.

I’m still cracking the eggshell of my new life, of the new me. I don’t feel the despair I did, when Pluto squared my Moon for the first time, in March last year when I blew my London life up without flinching.

I am more centered, more calm and solid. More certain that that was not the way to go for me. That a life based on appearances and compulsions won’t be much of a life to me.

But yesterday hanging out at that incredibly noisy and lousy environment I felt that pain again. The pain of being isolated, without a supportive community of like minded people. The pain of rejection.

At least with my current gypsy life of uncertainty and search I’ve had had a taster of how it feels to belong and to truly share with people.

I’ve had moments of grace singing and dancing mantras to Shiva, moments of warmth sharing cups of tea around the fire, moments of bliss observing nature’s wonderful beauty and simplicity. Moments of inspiration in the arms of so many genuine hugs that I’ve had the honor to experience on the road.

I think this post is more of a thank you.

I am grateful to the pain of separation that has thrown me into what seems to be my true path.

Clarity takes its time 2…

by with One Comment Astrology and meInner lifeSearch for home

I’m back to write a little more on the clarity that I seem to be achieving, especially since Mercury went retrograde.

Speaking about that, I just want to say that even though many people dread when Mercury goes retrograde I’m specially fond of those times. They are really good for going within to revise situations and things that have been bothering you. I see it as an opportunity for rethinking, for gaining yet another perspective in whatever matter you’ve been thinking of. Mercury retrograde is good for introverted kinds of activities, which is probably why it is so misunderstood.

Anyways, Mercury went retrograde while I was at that festival near Brighton. And yes I started having a few insights into myself, the self that I am becoming, and things to let go of.

My vision seems to be becoming clearer and clearer.

The first synchronicity happened with the girl that went to pick me up at the train station, right in the beginning.

When I was just about to get in the car I spotted a bag from the same yoga school I just came back from in Thailand.  The place where I had a boom of purification and purging. It turned out that she also just came back, (she remembered seen me at the library!), and from a powerful transformative experience as well. I haven’t seen her astrological chart, but she told me about having a stellium in Libra and about how much heavy transformation she’s been going through in the last few years.

That was a magical way to start the festival.

Then right after meeting yet another Libra, a girl started putting up her tent besides mine. She was from Portugal and as we were talking we found out that  she lives in a community near the forest of Dean where I was living last summer. That girl knows pretty much all the people that I got to work and share very especial moments last year.

That was it, another one, just like that.

I was amazed to be hit by two strong synchronicities like those in such a short period of time.

It felt like a confirmation, like a big yes from the universe.

I was right about going there on my own. I was right.

I did meet many interesting people and felt very different from last year’s experience. It was like a very subtle feeling of belonging. The beginning of what seems to be a massive change of lifestyle for me.

I’m not entirely sure about where I’m heading, but seeing all of those beautiful colorful people just felt right. Engaging with them in creative and unique ways just felt right. Being able to be myself without struggle, without feeling the looks of criticism or puzzles from others was amazing. It was like being part of a circus, but in a good way.

(I somehow have always fantasised about belonging to a family in a circus, always traveling and performing)

I felt like being part of a conscious community where people care about each other and at the same time give space for each other to just be.

So many smiles and hugs. So much truthfulness. (And it was a drug and alcohol free festival!)

The message that I want to give with this post is a reminder. No matter how much struggle, confusion, destruction and death you are going through while having an important transit from any of the outer planets (by that I mean Uranus, Neptune and Pluto), don’t forget that clarity takes its time.

But when it hits you, during or after those times, no words to describe, it’s a bit like divine light.

It is powerfully mysterious and yet easy to recognise..

Turkish delight

by with No Comment Astrology and meInner lifeRandomSearch for homeTrip

The winds of change are blowing hot in Istanbul. I just went for a walk and saw many plastic bags floating around the sky like American Beauty. There is a lovely feeling of peaceful freedom inside my chest and is almost like I can taste the changing air with my lungs.

We made it, all the way from Amsterdam only hitchhiking. 69 days are gone and I feel different. I feel closer to myself.

Moon in Aries has hooked up with Uranus  and both are opposing Venus in Libra, which is making a conjunction with my natal Moon right now.

I somehow feel the electricity of uranian energy coming back to me. With a strong sense of wakefulness and presence I can almost see from inside a different twinkle in my eye.

I’m leaving Europe after been here for almost 8 years and that old sense of home is once again lost. But, from the distance, I can already see a tiny little home that is newly being born within …