Searching for home part 2

I’m in Bristol now.

I arrived here yesterday to meet a potential house mate. The add seemed lovely, an older woman who is an energy worker as well as an astrologer looking for 2 more people to share a farm house. Big garden to grow vegetables and pretty spacious house.

One big let down though, too far away and difficult to get to Bristol City centre without a car. I didn’t even go to meet her once I realised the massive pain to get there by public transport.

It didn’t work out but I’m okay with that. It’s good to be here and allow myself time to feel the city, or perhaps to rather give me time to allow feeling myself in this city.

I’ve been officially homeless for a year now.

Exactly one year ago the last Uranus-Pluto square that was perfected in the sky happened at 15 degrees, same degree as my natal Moon. On 12th of March 2015, when Mars was also conjoining Uranus in the sky, I was packing up and selecting the stuff that potentially could still be part of my new life.

I was terrified and shattered at the same time. The intensity of emotions that I felt during that time was truly overwhelming. It sounds contradictory, but I remember to be feeling blind and numb by the powerful intensity.

I also remember the first few steps that I took once I left the house with my backpack. A brief moment of clarity, freedom and certainty. Yes, I was shortly thrown back into the darker feelings aroused by such changes in life. But those few minutes were somehow crucial to keep me on track. To help me build the courage needed in order to leave stagnant comfort zones behind.

One year has gone by and my sense of Self has increased tremendously. I’ve always knew that projecting my identity and safety into outer things, like relationships or material stuff, wouldn’t work for me. Consolidating your sense of security into yourself feels right and I’m already experiencing moments of solid balance as a reward.

(I’ve had more to write in this post but got interrupted by my friend and somehow feels like a pretense to continue without the feelings of that moment..)